New Year

Sigh. It seems like the first day of the new year should be filled with hope. Not so when you start it out with anxiety. I've been doing poorly for the past 4 days. It started with pulling the muscles in my back, which moved to my chest and neck, and with little or no sleep. Today is the worst anxiety-wise. I woke up around 9:30, laid in bed until 10:30. As I laid there, I could feel the anxiety rising. I slept in my daughter's bed last night (she was sleeping over at a friend's house) hoping the quiet and change of scenery would snap me out of my bad sleep pattern. It didn't work. I had chills for hours, then over-heated and had a small panic attack. After that I think I may have slept some, but did not wake up refreshed. And my muscles still ache. I have no motivation. None. I need to do laundry. I need to do dishes. I need to clean the litter box. My bathroom sink should be scrubbed. I don't even want to get in the shower this morning. I took half an ativan a few minutes ago, hoping that will calm me down. I'm so afraid I'm headed back to where I was only 3 months ago. It hasn't been long enough! Its not fair! And its been so long since I've taken half an ativan that now I'm worried about that. I've been taking 1/4 of one at bedtime, so its insane to think anything bad will happen, and all the time I took a whole one nothing bad ever happened. God, I'm doomed. My life is hell. I don't know how to make me better and make it stick. All it takes is an ache or a pain and I'm right back into it. This is so depressing. I am miserable. I don't want to move from my bed today. I am in hell.