Getting Worse

The anxiety is getting worse. It wasn't long ago I could go to the grocery store without much problem. Now its a struggle to just run in and get a gallon of milk. The weather has been lovely and I'd love to take the dogs for a good long walk, but all I can bear is 5 or 10 minutes, then I have to rush home. I wake up in the morning and before I'm even out of bed I'm overwhelmed with anxiety and dread. This morning I got brave and took .5 mg of xanax which helped while I laid in bed, but once I was up it didn't make any difference at all. I'm sitting here after my shower rocking and trying to not go into full panic mode. I'm so miserable. I so depressed. I feel like I'll never come out of this bout of anxiety, like I'm doomed to spend the rest of my life in hell. I've lost 25 pounds in 3 months, which isn't a bad thing, but I'd rather be fat and feel good than be anxious and look good. I don't know what else to do. How does the anxiety feel? My stomach is in a knot, I feel like I can't breathe, I feel like an electric current is running through my bloodstream, death seems to be right around the corner, or if not death at the very least collapse. If I died today it would be all right with me. I can't stand to feel this way for another second and yet I know I've got the whole day to suffer through it. If I knew it wouldn't affect my family and loved ones, and if I knew I could do it without any further suffering and be sure I didn't botch it up and end up worse off, suicide would be the only other option. But I know how terrible it is to inflict suicide on my children and parents, so I can't think about doing it. Now if I just happened to get in a fatal car wreck.....

Hell. My existence is hell. I want out. Now!