The Up Side of Agoraphobia

To every cloud there is a silver lining, isn't that how the old saying goes? Or, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and turn that frown upside down. All fine sentiments. Existence is seldom as hopeless and horrid as it seems. Take agoraphobia. Sure, being afraid to leave home might seem to have its down sides - no social life, little interaction with the world outside, panic attacks at the grocery, never going on vacation, not being able to earn a decent living. I could go on, but what you get the point. That would be the "glass is half empty" thinking. Let's not forget that there are some definite positives to living the agoraphobic life-style. For example, you'll not catch us jetting across the globe and wasting precious fuel resources. You won't even find us going across town! Agoraphobics save hundreds of thousands of gallons of gas as a group every year. And forget about us needing to buy hybrid cars. I personally average about 4 miles per day in my vehicle, 28 miles a week. Figure I get 25 miles per gallon. If no one borrowed my car during the week, I could go for a solid 2 months without ever refueling! How's that for fuel efficiency!

Some religious organizations have something called Prayer Warriors. Agoraphobics could be called Worry Warriors. If there is a worrisome event going on locally, nationally, or globally, we are there to worry about it! If worrying was a sport, we'd have an Olympic team. The world can feel safer knowing someone is fretting over every situation, real or imagined.

Agoraphobics are also leaders in the prevention of disease. Its hard to pass on a virus or bacteria when you never come in contact with another human being.

We keep shopping centers and malls from being over-crowded. Same goes for restaurants, bars, parks, museums, groceries, theaters, sporting events...think of the pandemonium that would ensue if agoraphobics suddenly re-entered society!

Agoraphobics do the television industry a great service as well. Sometimes TV is our only companion. I watch it live and I dvr it. I don't watch it all day, but if I need distraction, you bet that's one place I turn. And television shopping networks earn a hefty profit from agoraphobics, especially during Christmas season. You might see an agoraphobic on rare occasions during the normal shopping times, but when Christmas shoppers start flowing into stores, agoraphobics will be dialing up QVC faster than a cheetah on a good day.

On a more personal level, agoraphobics are usually in excellent health, despite what they might imagine. We don't need to go to the gym for cardio workouts as one good panic attack can get our heart rate well into the hundreds. A good one can last for fifteen or twenty minutes. Not a bad workout with little or no effort!

Agoraphobics also look adorable when they're in public places, with their wide-eyed stares, saucer-sized pupils, flushed cheeks, and straining jaw muscles. We look like little deer caught in oncoming headlights, or lambs being led to slaughter.

So if you're reading this and are agoraphobic, look on the bright side. You are performing a great service to your community, your country, and the world! And you're doing it by doing what you do best - staying home! We deserve a big pat on the back. And perhaps a special tax break, or better yet, a large government incentive check as a thank you!

May 30, 2008

My big accomplishment today was not going to the Emergency Room. After a long, sleepless night, I woke up at 9 a.m. and decided to shower and start my day. I didn’t feel "well" when I started, but once I get the water running it can go either way. Today it went the bad way. My stomach was in knots, my heart started racing and skipping beats. Being naked and wet with no graceful means of escape, I rushed through, toweled off, threw on clothes, grabbed my purse with the intent of rushing to the hospital, and called my daughter to let the dogs out. She didn't answer! I couldn’t leave them un-pottied, so I got an icepack out of the freezer and stuck it in my armpit (a tip from a fellow anxiety sufferer), let the dogs out, and swung on my porch swing. Thanks to the handy stopwatch feature on my cell phone I was able to monitor my heart rate. Once it fell below 100, I figured I would survive yet another day in hell. Ironically, the surroundings were perfect – sunny but not glaringly so, cool breeze, thick green grass all around, red-winged blackbirds breakfasting at the feeder.

One thing about panic attacks – they bring me closer to God. It’s the only time I ask him for help. I’ve given up thinking God gives a crap about me most of the time, after 26 years of this it seems quite obvious. But when I’m pretty certain I’m on my way to meet him, I beg him to make it stop.
Its now 10 a.m. and I’ve got the rest of a long day staring me down. After a morning like this I am especially fearful of venturing away from home, or even being productive at home. Today is leaning toward being a lost day, spent processing every unusual sensation in my body, eating next to nothing, digging my nails in the walls of depression to keep from slipping further in.

Hell is where my heart is.

hell, with a view

Everyone has their problems, whether it be health, money, relationship - whatever। I, too, have problems, but one in particular that I’d like to share. It’s a problem experienced by a whole lot of people but seldom recognized as a viable one since its symptoms are personal and easily hidden from the public eye. The problem is anxiety. Not just plain anxiety, like any normal person would feel at, say, an impending surgery or final exam, but uncontrollable anxiety and panic for no recognizable reason. The best way I can think to describe the feeling is this: imagine being confronted by a wild, gun-wielding psychopath in your home at 2:00 in the morning. Naked. Wondering whether the rest of your family is alive. And you’ve got a presentation due at 7 a.m. And you’ve just ingested 10 cups of coffee. Take away all the external situations but keep the feeling and that’s anxiety and panic disorder. An estimated 40 million adult in America suffer from some form of anxiety disorder (National Institute of Mental Health). That’s a whole lot of folks.

The reason I titled this "Hell, with a view" is because, while anxiety is a horrible thing to struggle through every day, we in America and other "safe" countries, still have a lot to be thankful for. Inside we may be living our own special hell, but the sun still shines, the trees still provide shade, flowers still smell sweet. It doesn’t make it okay, but it does bring home the old saying, "Could be worse!"

My life is affected by anxiety daily. I wake up with no desire to even get out of bed. If it wasn't for the call of nature for both myself and my dogs, I would in all likelihood stay in bed until after noon. As it is, I've gotten to the point of staying in bed until 10:00 a.m. Once I'm up I have to immediately get a shower. I just have to. Its a compulsion, an offshoot of anxiety disorders. Sometimes I can take a leisurely shower, enjoy the warm water as it relaxes my shoulders and back. Other times I have to rush through, fearing a panic attack, feeling like I can't breathe or that I'll die, naked, wet and alone. I also must dress quickly - again, don't want to be caught with my pants down so to speak! If the weather is acceptable, I must then walk the dogs. If not, I just let them out in the back yard to do their business. I believe my little terrier also suffers from some anxiety disorder. She will not do her business unless she has a walk. I'm motivated to take them as she will crap on my bathroom carpet if I don't. Sometimes the walk is short - just enough to satisfy the pooches and get me back before something dreadful happens. Other times I can go for 25 minutes. It just depends on the state I'm in that morning. After dog duties are accomplished, then I can have breakfast, which is always a tall glass of Ovaltine and milk (again, I just have to). Then I can start my life.

Anxiety comes in many flavors. Besides General Anxiety Disorder (GAD, as in EGADS!), there is Agoraphobia. Agoraphobia is fear of open spaces, translated as fear of the market place. What it is in real life is fear of leaving ones home, or in a severe case, fear of leaving even a certain room in your home. My anxiety disorder manifested with agoraphobia from the beginning. The whole package was so bad that not only could I not stand to leave my apartment, I couldn't stop the fear and panic even in my apartment. This went on for 2 years. That was 26 years ago.

The feeling of fear and dread has never been completely gone in all that time. There are better years and worse years. Right now I'm in a not-great-but-I've-been-worse phase. I'm working 3.5 hours a day, 3 days a week for a doctor, so that's better than I've been in the past. But I've also always got a feeling of tension, like a live wire running through my veins. I go out, but not often and not if I can avoid it. The grocery and work is pretty much it for me. This time around depression is also a major factor. Face it, living with anxiety is depressing! I see people around me living in a world free of constant dread and wish it could be me. I feel like I'm hosting a party in hell inside me, yet all around me is beauty and comfort. I just can't seem to bring it into my body and mind.

And that, my friends, is hell, with a view.