hell, with a view

Everyone has their problems, whether it be health, money, relationship - whatever। I, too, have problems, but one in particular that I’d like to share. It’s a problem experienced by a whole lot of people but seldom recognized as a viable one since its symptoms are personal and easily hidden from the public eye. The problem is anxiety. Not just plain anxiety, like any normal person would feel at, say, an impending surgery or final exam, but uncontrollable anxiety and panic for no recognizable reason. The best way I can think to describe the feeling is this: imagine being confronted by a wild, gun-wielding psychopath in your home at 2:00 in the morning. Naked. Wondering whether the rest of your family is alive. And you’ve got a presentation due at 7 a.m. And you’ve just ingested 10 cups of coffee. Take away all the external situations but keep the feeling and that’s anxiety and panic disorder. An estimated 40 million adult in America suffer from some form of anxiety disorder (National Institute of Mental Health). That’s a whole lot of folks.

The reason I titled this "Hell, with a view" is because, while anxiety is a horrible thing to struggle through every day, we in America and other "safe" countries, still have a lot to be thankful for. Inside we may be living our own special hell, but the sun still shines, the trees still provide shade, flowers still smell sweet. It doesn’t make it okay, but it does bring home the old saying, "Could be worse!"

My life is affected by anxiety daily. I wake up with no desire to even get out of bed. If it wasn't for the call of nature for both myself and my dogs, I would in all likelihood stay in bed until after noon. As it is, I've gotten to the point of staying in bed until 10:00 a.m. Once I'm up I have to immediately get a shower. I just have to. Its a compulsion, an offshoot of anxiety disorders. Sometimes I can take a leisurely shower, enjoy the warm water as it relaxes my shoulders and back. Other times I have to rush through, fearing a panic attack, feeling like I can't breathe or that I'll die, naked, wet and alone. I also must dress quickly - again, don't want to be caught with my pants down so to speak! If the weather is acceptable, I must then walk the dogs. If not, I just let them out in the back yard to do their business. I believe my little terrier also suffers from some anxiety disorder. She will not do her business unless she has a walk. I'm motivated to take them as she will crap on my bathroom carpet if I don't. Sometimes the walk is short - just enough to satisfy the pooches and get me back before something dreadful happens. Other times I can go for 25 minutes. It just depends on the state I'm in that morning. After dog duties are accomplished, then I can have breakfast, which is always a tall glass of Ovaltine and milk (again, I just have to). Then I can start my life.

Anxiety comes in many flavors. Besides General Anxiety Disorder (GAD, as in EGADS!), there is Agoraphobia. Agoraphobia is fear of open spaces, translated as fear of the market place. What it is in real life is fear of leaving ones home, or in a severe case, fear of leaving even a certain room in your home. My anxiety disorder manifested with agoraphobia from the beginning. The whole package was so bad that not only could I not stand to leave my apartment, I couldn't stop the fear and panic even in my apartment. This went on for 2 years. That was 26 years ago.

The feeling of fear and dread has never been completely gone in all that time. There are better years and worse years. Right now I'm in a not-great-but-I've-been-worse phase. I'm working 3.5 hours a day, 3 days a week for a doctor, so that's better than I've been in the past. But I've also always got a feeling of tension, like a live wire running through my veins. I go out, but not often and not if I can avoid it. The grocery and work is pretty much it for me. This time around depression is also a major factor. Face it, living with anxiety is depressing! I see people around me living in a world free of constant dread and wish it could be me. I feel like I'm hosting a party in hell inside me, yet all around me is beauty and comfort. I just can't seem to bring it into my body and mind.

And that, my friends, is hell, with a view.