The Up Side of Agoraphobia

To every cloud there is a silver lining, isn't that how the old saying goes? Or, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and turn that frown upside down. All fine sentiments. Existence is seldom as hopeless and horrid as it seems. Take agoraphobia. Sure, being afraid to leave home might seem to have its down sides - no social life, little interaction with the world outside, panic attacks at the grocery, never going on vacation, not being able to earn a decent living. I could go on, but what you get the point. That would be the "glass is half empty" thinking. Let's not forget that there are some definite positives to living the agoraphobic life-style. For example, you'll not catch us jetting across the globe and wasting precious fuel resources. You won't even find us going across town! Agoraphobics save hundreds of thousands of gallons of gas as a group every year. And forget about us needing to buy hybrid cars. I personally average about 4 miles per day in my vehicle, 28 miles a week. Figure I get 25 miles per gallon. If no one borrowed my car during the week, I could go for a solid 2 months without ever refueling! How's that for fuel efficiency!

Some religious organizations have something called Prayer Warriors. Agoraphobics could be called Worry Warriors. If there is a worrisome event going on locally, nationally, or globally, we are there to worry about it! If worrying was a sport, we'd have an Olympic team. The world can feel safer knowing someone is fretting over every situation, real or imagined.

Agoraphobics are also leaders in the prevention of disease. Its hard to pass on a virus or bacteria when you never come in contact with another human being.

We keep shopping centers and malls from being over-crowded. Same goes for restaurants, bars, parks, museums, groceries, theaters, sporting events...think of the pandemonium that would ensue if agoraphobics suddenly re-entered society!

Agoraphobics do the television industry a great service as well. Sometimes TV is our only companion. I watch it live and I dvr it. I don't watch it all day, but if I need distraction, you bet that's one place I turn. And television shopping networks earn a hefty profit from agoraphobics, especially during Christmas season. You might see an agoraphobic on rare occasions during the normal shopping times, but when Christmas shoppers start flowing into stores, agoraphobics will be dialing up QVC faster than a cheetah on a good day.

On a more personal level, agoraphobics are usually in excellent health, despite what they might imagine. We don't need to go to the gym for cardio workouts as one good panic attack can get our heart rate well into the hundreds. A good one can last for fifteen or twenty minutes. Not a bad workout with little or no effort!

Agoraphobics also look adorable when they're in public places, with their wide-eyed stares, saucer-sized pupils, flushed cheeks, and straining jaw muscles. We look like little deer caught in oncoming headlights, or lambs being led to slaughter.

So if you're reading this and are agoraphobic, look on the bright side. You are performing a great service to your community, your country, and the world! And you're doing it by doing what you do best - staying home! We deserve a big pat on the back. And perhaps a special tax break, or better yet, a large government incentive check as a thank you!