And It gets worse

I now have constant anxiety, have to force myself to eat, which today included a glass of Ovaltine, 2 cheese sticks, 8 crackers, and water. I can't even describe what my stomach is doing. Its tight, its aggitated, it thinks we're about to bungie jump off a cliff. I tried a relaxation exercise, laid down for an hour, and shivered and twitched throughout the whole thing. It has to be the Ativan doing it. I want to drive to the emergency room right now and beg for something to calm me down. My blood pressure this afternoon was 160/100! My usual is 130/80. Tomorrow I see my doctor again. I'm going to ask for Valium. There is a method prescribed to be many that switches Ativan (or any benzo user) over to Valium slowly because it is easier (less withdrawl symptoms) to taper off of. And who knows, maybe I'll find I like the Valium and just stay on it. If it keeps me from feeling like this, I might just do it. I am so very very miserable right now. It's like I've been on a caffeine high for 2 days straight. At 6 a.m. I woke up with a near panic attack - heart rate 134, cold sweats. I'm not strong enough to do this. It's too hard. Haven't I been through enough already? There can not possibly be a God in heaven to let this continue on like this. I begged for help today and got nothing. I can't do this. I don't know how to continue in this state of terror. Yet there is no way out. I must simply experience the horror of it, knowing that there is nothing more I can do besides put myself out of my misery, but I can't do that without putting the rest of my family through worse misery for the rest of their lives. So I am trapped. I don't know where to go from here. The thought of suffering through another night is overwhelming. I'm considering driving over to the emergency room and sleeping in my car so I'm close by...just in case. Hell. Sheer, utter, hell. My blessing on anyone who has to deal with this.