So...I had some good days, then my days started getting worse and worse. The depression, the lack of motivation, the exhaustion, weakness. It appears that the Ativan is not working and is, in fact, making me worse. So now, after 4 weeks on this drug, my body is dependent and I am having to go through withdrawl. Ativan is a nasty drug. It is one of the strongest benzodiazapines - for example, half a mg of Ativan is the same as 10 mg of valium! It has to be tapered off of very very slowly. The recommended method is to add valium to the mix. For me, my schedule of tapering should be (now that I've tapered myself to 2mg per day down from 3mg in a very short time):
Weeks 1 & 2: Morning - .5mg Ativan, midday - .5mg Ativan, betime - .5mg Ativan + 5 mg Valium
Weeks 3 & 4: Morning - 5mg Valium, stop Ativan, midday - .5mg Ativan, bedtime - .5mg Ativan + 5mg Valium
Weeks 5 & 6: Morning - 10mg Valium, midday - stop Ativan, bedtime - .5mg Ativan + 5mg Valium
Weeks 7 & 8: Morning - 10mg Valium, bedtime - 10mg Valium, stop Ativan
So that would get me off Ativan but onto Valium! All I want to do is be drug free and I don't want to go through 8 more weeks to get there! But I also don't want to suffer the agony of withdrawing too quickly or not the right way. I cry all the time, I have delusions of non-existance, all I can think about is the damned pill and how to get off of it. How ironic, the drug phobic is now dependent on a drug and forced to detox from it! I'm so very depressed. I may not have the patience to do it the long way. I have gotten to the point where I barely eat anything because I have no apetite, I don't leave the house much because of the agoraphobia, I couldn't even shower this morning - I just washed off in the sink and shampooed my hair in the kitchen sink. I don't know what I'm going to do for work this week. If I can't leave the house, how will I go to work? God, I just feel like I've gone so far downhill that I may not be able to make it back up again. I was watching a show on PBS - a violinist playing in Vienne. I couldn't help crying from thinking about all that I've lost. I used to play the violin in the church choir, I used to teach it, play in an orchestra. Now I'm too afraid to do any of those things. I will never travel overseas. I may never travel out of state. I feel like my life is over. What is the point? I have so many periods during the day where I lose hope completely. My life is in the very deepest realm of hell. The way out seems so far off I don't know that I can make it.
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Anxiety disorders are mental illnesses in which patients feel excessive anxiety, fear like agoraphobia or distress during situations in which most other people would not experience these symptoms. However, people with anxiety disorders experience disabling anxiety and distress that dramatically reduces their productivity and significantly diminishes their quality of life and ability to function on a daily basis. http://www.xanax-effects.com/
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