Its been a while

I've been doing better than I was when I started this blog, but today is turning out to be a challenge. For one thing, its cold!!! Its only 21 degrees outside and the temp inside feels frigid. I haven't had real panic in months but this morning I'm feeling quite anxious. I'm not good with changes and there are a number of them going on. We sold our sofa which we've had for about 6 years, and our entertainment center, which we've had for 20. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to get rid of them, at least I think I did, but its still a big change. What if someone needs to spend the night here and we don't have a sofa for them to sleep on? What if I don't like the new entertainment center? Stupid concerns, but they're there none the less. This morning I cleared all the components and tv off the stand so the people can pick it up tonight. That made me anxious, I suppose because I haven't done anything physical in a while, but also just because things aren't where they're supposed to be. God I hate anxiety disorders!

I also made another cut on my Ativan - from three quarters of a pill down to two quarters. The last cut I made was the hardest, going from .5mg split into 4 daily doses, to .375mg, split into 3 daily doses. Now I'm at .25mg split into 2 daily doses. The theory is that one should never lower the dose more than 10 percent, but when you're at such a small dose its hard to take it slower than this. The pills themselves are no more than 3/16ths of an inch in diameter, so cutting them into quarters is like micro-surgery. I'm already feeling the palpitations that go with a cut, and of course the increase in anxiety. Being shivering cold increases both symptoms.

Then there are the holidays. I like Christmas, sort of. I mean, the music is good, I like giving people presents, it seems very nostalgic. But it also means change. There will be a disruptive tree in my living room for weeks, I will have to make sure I have enough presents for all the right people, it will get colder, and worst of all, the new year is looming just around the corner. It should be just another date, but it comes with so many expectations. There is looking back at the year passing, with all of its failures, frustrations and fuck-ups, and there is the intrepidation of another year, with its endless possibilities for suffering and loss and unknown problems. I don't see it as a clean slate, like I used to. I see it as another file folder in which to store another year's worth of misery. That's what anxiety disorders do. There may be good times, but you know they'll always be tempered with the idea that they will end with yet another panic attack or thoughts of terminal illness or days spent shaking and rocking and praying for relief. If only I could sustain the joy I feel when I'm not thinking anxious thoughts. I do get moments like that. Sometimes I forget about it completely and think like a normal human being. But it always returns. It is hell with intermissions.