Mornings

Mornings are especially hard. I don't know what it is about waking up that brings on the anxiety and dread, but when I'm in a bad phase, like now, mornings are hellish. Its Tuesday, 9 a.m. Like the mornings over the past month or so I'm lying in bed trying to calm the demons so that I can get up and shower without panicking. I get on the computer, check mail, go to my anxiety support site, and now here.

I love going to bed at night. Usually by late afternoon or evening I feel fairly normal. By bedtime I'm feeling wonderful. I lie in bed and play solitaire on the computer until I can't stay awake any longer. I don't want to go to sleep because I want to continue to feel the happy feelings of no anxiety. But sleep must inevitably come, just as waking in the morning must come, and that is what I dread. I have no explanation as to why mornings are so bad, but I know I'm not alone.

My morning anxiety is a barometer to my anxiety phase. When I wake in the morning feeling normal, I know I'm doing well again. Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be any logical or repeatable actions to get me to such a place, just as there isn't a recognizable pattern that brings me to the bad place. Anxiety disorders are frustrating that way. What works one time may not work the next.

So here I lay, struggling to get the courage to leave my bed and face the shower, and then ultimately, the whole rest of the day. Perhaps that is where the dread originates - knowing that ahead of me lies an entire day of uncertainty. Will I have a panic attack if I venture out, what new aches and pains will pop up and fill my head with thoughts of fatal illness, will the price of gas jump to $5 a gallon? Things like this constantly run through my head.

I must get up. I will shower and dress, even put on makeup. Another day in hell.