Having a Really Bad Day Today

I started taking Aciphex for reflux 3 days ago. As you may recall, I'm a MAJOR pill phobic, so its taken me 2 months just to take something for the reflux. I did okay the first 2 days - there was some anxiety, but managable. Today I don't seem to be able to get past it. I feel like crawling out of my skin, I'm nauseated, have a lump in my throat, hands sweating - all possible anxiety symptoms, but my first thought is "could it be the Aciphex?" Today the reflux seems like it might be slightly better, or maybe not. The lump in my throat seems like acid. All I've done today is sit and sew because I'm so afraid of the fact that I have a chemical in my body. God, I'm so miserable. I feel like I'll never be well again. I have to do something for the reflux because I'm miserable with that, and whatever I take for it I'm deathly afraid of so I'm miserable with that. I am in pure, unadulterated hell today.

It's been a while

I haven't been here in a while. I haven't felt good. Acid reflux, esophageal spasms in my back, burning in my throat and chest. Had a whopper of a panic attack a couple weeks ago. I won't talk about it though, brings back too many bad memories. Anyway, I saw a gastroenterologist this week (one I work for) and he gave me Prevacid to take. That was Tuesday. Now its Saturday. Did I mention I have a drug phobia? Well, I didn't get up the courage to take the damned pill until today. The only reason I took it today was because I have so much pain in my back, even anxiety was better than continuing that. I poured it into some applesauce (just in case I might be allergic to the capsule portion, and to take a smaller dose than recommended). I took it around 1:10 p.m. My anxiety immediately shot up, but I talked to a friend and distracted myself for the rest of the afternoon. There is no relief yet, but I didn't expect it to act that quickly. I do feel a bit nauseated, but its probably just the acid backing up in my throat. Tomorrow I have to scrape together the courage to take another one. And the day after as well. The worst of it will be taking one on days I have to work. Those days I won't be able to sit in my rocker and baby myself. I'll have to go out into the world with the possibility of an anxiety attack from the medicine. God I hate my life.

I went to a friend's house last evening to do some computer work for her. She is a good friend. But she smokes in her house. I have a phobia of smoke, and when I smell it it stays in my nose for days. Right now I can still smell the smoke and its driving me crazy. I have Vicks smeared under my nose and its still there, loud and clear. Sigh. I hope to God I feel better soon. I've been messing with this stomach thing for 2 months now. Had I stared taking the first round of medication when it was prescribed 6 weeks ago I'd probably feel better by now. But no, the damned phobia wouldn't let me do that. So I've wasted 6 weeks of my life living in misery. Stupid anxiety disorder. Stupid hellish life.

Getting Worse

I had, of course, hoped to be getting better. But yesterday I was in bad shape. Woke up feeling not too terrible, but as soon as I got in the shower I felt like I couldn't breathe. Its a horrible feeling. After I got out I couldn't shake it. I had to drive half an hour to see my therapist and was certain I would die before I got there. When I'm in a bad way I try to move as little as possible, like the stillness will ward off adding any more anxiety. I did make it there. The session was useless. I saw him a couple years ago for the same problem. I stopped seeing him when he called me a spoiled brat for having a panic attack at an event with my daughter. He said it was my childish way of saying I didn't want to be there so I'm going to throw a panic fit and get out of it. Right. That's why I have anxiety, to get out of doing things. I don't think I'll see him any more. I'd hoped he'd have something new. He has no compassion for me. I feel like we're wasting each other's time. Anyway, this morning is bad again. I haven't even gotten in the shower yet and feel like I can't breathe. I woke up at 4 am with very high anxiety, but I was ready for it. I'm reading a new book called Freedom From Fear and it had a paragraph on waking in the middle of the night with panic and how to get past it. I'd written down a number of things, one being a long multiplication problem, to switch from my anxious right brain to my logical left brain. It worked. Brought my pulse down from 120 to 88, so I was able to lay back down and sleep a bit. God, I'm so tired. The anxiety itself is draining, but the lack of sleep makes it even worse. I'm considering calling out of work today because I just don't know if I can handle it. But that would mean it won. I'm so frightened and miserable and I don't know what to do. I want to check into the hospital and have every test known to man run to make sure none of this is an actual physical problem, but I've already had so many run and everything comes back good. I want to give up, but giving up would still leave me a pile of nerves. I can't even be calm and at peace in my own home. There is no place I can run to feel safe except for the hospital emergency room. I'm such a mess. This truly is hell. There is no doubt about that.

Could be worse...

How many times have I heard that. "You just have anxiety. It could be so much worse. You could have cancer or AIDS, or have some REAL illness." Yes, that's true. It could be worse. But does that help the situation I'm in now? Is it better to just FEEL like you're dying rather than actually BE dying? No, not really. Early Saturday morning I had another full blown panic attack. It woke me from a dead sleep, my heart was racing, I couldn't catch my breath, I knew I was dying. I really knew it. I had my husband rush me to the hospital. I called 911 on the way so that if I did died they could send an ambulance immediately. It was horrible. It was traumatic. It was possibly the worst one I've had, but who knows. The bad ones are all bad. And this one was a doosey. I had the usual work up - blood tests to make sure it wasn't my heart, chest x-ray, EKG, vitals monitored. I knew it would all come back fine. But it didn't. One of the blood tests came back with an elevated marker for a blood clot in my lungs. So off to do a CT scan with contrast - dye pumped into my veins. That in itself was frightening. When the dye hits you feel hot from the inside out. Very creepy. The test came back negative, but did that convince me? Of course not. I've been having back pain between my shoulders now ever since, convinced that its a blood clot, even though I've been tested and told it isn't. And I've been told not to worry about it! Believe me, I asked if I should! My anxiety is unbearable today. I'm trying to push myself out and through it, but the physical discomfort always shouts back at me, "This is not anxiety, this is a blood clot!" And I keep believing it! I'm so miserable. I just want so very badly to feel better. I want to feel some joy in my life again. I want to not be afraid that I'm going to die today. I want to be able to feel like I can breathe freely. I just want what most of the people have - peace of mind. And, though my view may be pleasant, the weather is getting hotter, so my hell is spreading outside my body now. God, I'm so miserable!!!!

On Being

Lately I've been wanting to cease to exist. I don't want to kill myself, I just want to be done with this life and move on to whatever awaits me on the other side. Its just too hard to be me. I wake up afraid to face the day, my body seems to be revolting against me, I'm in a marriage that should have ended years ago, I have few friends, none that I actually see. I am so alone and so miserable. So what is the point? Does one exist merely because it is what one does? My purpose here is nothing more than zoo-keeper, and anyone can feed and walk animals.

I'm pretty sure I'm in good health. I had some blood work done today. We'll see next week how well I really am. That means, barring accidental death, I should be stuck in this hellish existence for a good thirty or forty more years, each one bringing more frailty, more fear, death of loved ones, distance from family. I think I don't know how to live. I'm afraid of dying. So where does that leave me? Destined to live out my years longing to cease being, knowing that I have no choice in the matter.

I'm tired of my hell. I'd like to try another please.