It's been a while

I haven't been here in a while. I haven't felt good. Acid reflux, esophageal spasms in my back, burning in my throat and chest. Had a whopper of a panic attack a couple weeks ago. I won't talk about it though, brings back too many bad memories. Anyway, I saw a gastroenterologist this week (one I work for) and he gave me Prevacid to take. That was Tuesday. Now its Saturday. Did I mention I have a drug phobia? Well, I didn't get up the courage to take the damned pill until today. The only reason I took it today was because I have so much pain in my back, even anxiety was better than continuing that. I poured it into some applesauce (just in case I might be allergic to the capsule portion, and to take a smaller dose than recommended). I took it around 1:10 p.m. My anxiety immediately shot up, but I talked to a friend and distracted myself for the rest of the afternoon. There is no relief yet, but I didn't expect it to act that quickly. I do feel a bit nauseated, but its probably just the acid backing up in my throat. Tomorrow I have to scrape together the courage to take another one. And the day after as well. The worst of it will be taking one on days I have to work. Those days I won't be able to sit in my rocker and baby myself. I'll have to go out into the world with the possibility of an anxiety attack from the medicine. God I hate my life.

I went to a friend's house last evening to do some computer work for her. She is a good friend. But she smokes in her house. I have a phobia of smoke, and when I smell it it stays in my nose for days. Right now I can still smell the smoke and its driving me crazy. I have Vicks smeared under my nose and its still there, loud and clear. Sigh. I hope to God I feel better soon. I've been messing with this stomach thing for 2 months now. Had I stared taking the first round of medication when it was prescribed 6 weeks ago I'd probably feel better by now. But no, the damned phobia wouldn't let me do that. So I've wasted 6 weeks of my life living in misery. Stupid anxiety disorder. Stupid hellish life.