Getting Worse

I had, of course, hoped to be getting better. But yesterday I was in bad shape. Woke up feeling not too terrible, but as soon as I got in the shower I felt like I couldn't breathe. Its a horrible feeling. After I got out I couldn't shake it. I had to drive half an hour to see my therapist and was certain I would die before I got there. When I'm in a bad way I try to move as little as possible, like the stillness will ward off adding any more anxiety. I did make it there. The session was useless. I saw him a couple years ago for the same problem. I stopped seeing him when he called me a spoiled brat for having a panic attack at an event with my daughter. He said it was my childish way of saying I didn't want to be there so I'm going to throw a panic fit and get out of it. Right. That's why I have anxiety, to get out of doing things. I don't think I'll see him any more. I'd hoped he'd have something new. He has no compassion for me. I feel like we're wasting each other's time. Anyway, this morning is bad again. I haven't even gotten in the shower yet and feel like I can't breathe. I woke up at 4 am with very high anxiety, but I was ready for it. I'm reading a new book called Freedom From Fear and it had a paragraph on waking in the middle of the night with panic and how to get past it. I'd written down a number of things, one being a long multiplication problem, to switch from my anxious right brain to my logical left brain. It worked. Brought my pulse down from 120 to 88, so I was able to lay back down and sleep a bit. God, I'm so tired. The anxiety itself is draining, but the lack of sleep makes it even worse. I'm considering calling out of work today because I just don't know if I can handle it. But that would mean it won. I'm so frightened and miserable and I don't know what to do. I want to check into the hospital and have every test known to man run to make sure none of this is an actual physical problem, but I've already had so many run and everything comes back good. I want to give up, but giving up would still leave me a pile of nerves. I can't even be calm and at peace in my own home. There is no place I can run to feel safe except for the hospital emergency room. I'm such a mess. This truly is hell. There is no doubt about that.