Could be worse...

How many times have I heard that. "You just have anxiety. It could be so much worse. You could have cancer or AIDS, or have some REAL illness." Yes, that's true. It could be worse. But does that help the situation I'm in now? Is it better to just FEEL like you're dying rather than actually BE dying? No, not really. Early Saturday morning I had another full blown panic attack. It woke me from a dead sleep, my heart was racing, I couldn't catch my breath, I knew I was dying. I really knew it. I had my husband rush me to the hospital. I called 911 on the way so that if I did died they could send an ambulance immediately. It was horrible. It was traumatic. It was possibly the worst one I've had, but who knows. The bad ones are all bad. And this one was a doosey. I had the usual work up - blood tests to make sure it wasn't my heart, chest x-ray, EKG, vitals monitored. I knew it would all come back fine. But it didn't. One of the blood tests came back with an elevated marker for a blood clot in my lungs. So off to do a CT scan with contrast - dye pumped into my veins. That in itself was frightening. When the dye hits you feel hot from the inside out. Very creepy. The test came back negative, but did that convince me? Of course not. I've been having back pain between my shoulders now ever since, convinced that its a blood clot, even though I've been tested and told it isn't. And I've been told not to worry about it! Believe me, I asked if I should! My anxiety is unbearable today. I'm trying to push myself out and through it, but the physical discomfort always shouts back at me, "This is not anxiety, this is a blood clot!" And I keep believing it! I'm so miserable. I just want so very badly to feel better. I want to feel some joy in my life again. I want to not be afraid that I'm going to die today. I want to be able to feel like I can breathe freely. I just want what most of the people have - peace of mind. And, though my view may be pleasant, the weather is getting hotter, so my hell is spreading outside my body now. God, I'm so miserable!!!!