Still here...

I took my last Ativan Thursday, March 5, 2009. I thought, what the hell, I can't feel any worse than I do taking it. I'd tapered down to .06mg or so, a tiny amount that was doing nothing for me. My anxiety was sky high and the dose was just perpetuating my suffering, so I stopped. I didn't feel quite as bad for the week following, and then had some days of pure joy! It began Friday, March 13th. I woke up with energy, cleaned my house from top to bottom, walked the dogs, felt marvelous. The weather matched my mood - sunny and warm. The weekend was good as well. No anxiety, motivation to do things I hadn't done in months, energy. On Monday I drove to Joann's Fabrics, out of my comfort zone, spent 2 hours looking around the store, waited in line, all without even a hint of anxiety. I felt so good I decided to take myself out to lunch at Panera's. I bought a magazine to read while I ate. I was in heaven. It was delightful!! I thought my life was finally turning around. Tuesday was great as well. Wednesday there was some anxiety, nothing bad, just a hint. By Thursday it had returned! My stomach churned constantly, I felt jittery. It has been steadily increasing. Yesterday it was unbearable. I felt like I'd consumed a gallon of coffee. Its so depressing waking up to face a day of anxiety that consumes the soul. I lay in bed until I have to get up. I don't sleep well. I'm a wreck. I belong to a benzodiazepine recovery forum and am told that this is common, that it is a withdrawal symptom and can go on and off like this for months. I'm not really up for months of anxiety. But I can't go back on a benzo because it will screw up the withdrawal process, make things worse. I found that out myself when, back in January I started feeling like this and upped my dose. I had no relief and felt so much worse. God I hate my life right now. I am miserable, useless, and feel like hell. I have to force myself to do anything productive. I want to scream, and I do shout obscenities throughout the day, but it doesn't make it go away. The good times are called windows at the benzo support site. I want another window. I need another window to preserve what sanity I have left.

Still in hell after a too short vacation.

Benzo withdrawal

Last night I took my last Ativan. It was only a small piece, maybe .06mg - its hard to tell when the pieces get so small. I'm stopping now because the withdrawal symptoms aren't easing up. The idea is that you taper off slowly and level out at a dose, then taper some more. I've been at a smaller dose for weeks and don't ever level out, so I figure I'll stop screwing with it and just get off. I'm so tense and anxious today that I can barely stand it. My stomach is so tight I'm nauseated. I've lost weight because I don't feel like eating. It is one of the most horrible things I've ever gone through. Its so scary because I know there is nothing I can do to alleviate the symptoms besides going on another benzo, from which I will again have to taper off of, is not an option. I can't do this any more. But I don't have a choice. God its awful.

One of the problems is that no one believes its withdrawal. They don't know how poisonous these drugs are, that there is no easy way to get off of them. No one understands the suffering I'm going through. I have no motivation to tidy up, do dishes, do laundry, walk the dogs. People think I'm just being a lazy slob. They don't realize that I would love to do all those things, but I can't do it. I can barely get out of bed in the morning let alone do anything productive. I'm trapped in hell. There is no escape from the torture my mind is making my body go through. It scares me to the bone. I fear what tomorrow will bring with no ativan tonight. Can it possibly be worse? If it is, god help me. I don't know if I can survive. I honestly don't.

Still in hell

I can't shake it this time. The anxiety has its filthy claws wrapped around me so tightly that I nearly never have a moment of peace. I now wake up with a tremor inside my chest and shoulders, not visible or palpable on the outside but perceivable on the inside. I have to jiggle my leg or pat my tummy to mask the feeling. My shoulders and chest are so tight all the time that they ache and feel weak. My every thought is about anxiety. I've been trying a mantra today: I am healthy, I am calm, I am relaxed, I am at peace. I'm trying deep breathing today. I am trying to consciously relax my body. But no relaxation takes away the jitteriness that surges through me. I don't leave the house unless its necessary. I went to the grocery yesterday as we were running out of essentials - milk, bread, eggs and such. It was all that I could do to stay in the store and gather up every item on my list. I took my coupons but didn't bother to check them. I didn't care if I spent 50 cents more for something, if it got me out faster, so much the better. I look around at my house and see all the things I've let go. I need to vacuum, I need to tidy up. I did do dishes yesterday but now need to empty the dishwasher. I spend most of my time sitting and either sewing or being on the computer at anxiety websites. Right now my shoulders are hurting me because of all the anxiety I'm holding there. I should leave the house again. I can not let the agoraphobia take over. But its such an effort to leave. And its cold out, so the shivering magnifies the jitters. I'm trapped in a world of fear. I don't trust my body to keep functioning. I'm afraid that the tension will finally overcome me and I'll just stop breathing or become so overwhelmed with anxiety that I'll... I don't even know what I'm afraid could happen. I want so badly to return to a normal state of being. I want to be motivated to clean my house, to shop, to walk the dogs. I want to enjoy my existence not dread every waking moment. I can't even cry for the loss of all that. I have no emotion left. I'm a living stone. I am in hell. I want out.