Still here...

I took my last Ativan Thursday, March 5, 2009. I thought, what the hell, I can't feel any worse than I do taking it. I'd tapered down to .06mg or so, a tiny amount that was doing nothing for me. My anxiety was sky high and the dose was just perpetuating my suffering, so I stopped. I didn't feel quite as bad for the week following, and then had some days of pure joy! It began Friday, March 13th. I woke up with energy, cleaned my house from top to bottom, walked the dogs, felt marvelous. The weather matched my mood - sunny and warm. The weekend was good as well. No anxiety, motivation to do things I hadn't done in months, energy. On Monday I drove to Joann's Fabrics, out of my comfort zone, spent 2 hours looking around the store, waited in line, all without even a hint of anxiety. I felt so good I decided to take myself out to lunch at Panera's. I bought a magazine to read while I ate. I was in heaven. It was delightful!! I thought my life was finally turning around. Tuesday was great as well. Wednesday there was some anxiety, nothing bad, just a hint. By Thursday it had returned! My stomach churned constantly, I felt jittery. It has been steadily increasing. Yesterday it was unbearable. I felt like I'd consumed a gallon of coffee. Its so depressing waking up to face a day of anxiety that consumes the soul. I lay in bed until I have to get up. I don't sleep well. I'm a wreck. I belong to a benzodiazepine recovery forum and am told that this is common, that it is a withdrawal symptom and can go on and off like this for months. I'm not really up for months of anxiety. But I can't go back on a benzo because it will screw up the withdrawal process, make things worse. I found that out myself when, back in January I started feeling like this and upped my dose. I had no relief and felt so much worse. God I hate my life right now. I am miserable, useless, and feel like hell. I have to force myself to do anything productive. I want to scream, and I do shout obscenities throughout the day, but it doesn't make it go away. The good times are called windows at the benzo support site. I want another window. I need another window to preserve what sanity I have left.

Still in hell after a too short vacation.