Still in hell

I can't shake it this time. The anxiety has its filthy claws wrapped around me so tightly that I nearly never have a moment of peace. I now wake up with a tremor inside my chest and shoulders, not visible or palpable on the outside but perceivable on the inside. I have to jiggle my leg or pat my tummy to mask the feeling. My shoulders and chest are so tight all the time that they ache and feel weak. My every thought is about anxiety. I've been trying a mantra today: I am healthy, I am calm, I am relaxed, I am at peace. I'm trying deep breathing today. I am trying to consciously relax my body. But no relaxation takes away the jitteriness that surges through me. I don't leave the house unless its necessary. I went to the grocery yesterday as we were running out of essentials - milk, bread, eggs and such. It was all that I could do to stay in the store and gather up every item on my list. I took my coupons but didn't bother to check them. I didn't care if I spent 50 cents more for something, if it got me out faster, so much the better. I look around at my house and see all the things I've let go. I need to vacuum, I need to tidy up. I did do dishes yesterday but now need to empty the dishwasher. I spend most of my time sitting and either sewing or being on the computer at anxiety websites. Right now my shoulders are hurting me because of all the anxiety I'm holding there. I should leave the house again. I can not let the agoraphobia take over. But its such an effort to leave. And its cold out, so the shivering magnifies the jitters. I'm trapped in a world of fear. I don't trust my body to keep functioning. I'm afraid that the tension will finally overcome me and I'll just stop breathing or become so overwhelmed with anxiety that I'll... I don't even know what I'm afraid could happen. I want so badly to return to a normal state of being. I want to be motivated to clean my house, to shop, to walk the dogs. I want to enjoy my existence not dread every waking moment. I can't even cry for the loss of all that. I have no emotion left. I'm a living stone. I am in hell. I want out.