Don't know what to do

I'm just sitting in my rocker, trying to find something to occupy my time on the computer. I have no motivation to move from here. I'm in a bad way right now - the Cipro I took is still damaging my body - my face still tingles and feels numb as does my neck, I have no energy, my back hurts, my joints ache, lets feel weak, anxiety is overwhelming. I have no appetite, no desire to do anything. I want so badly to feel normal, to have the desire to do ... anything. I'm afraid to do much as I don't want to stir up the pain or anxiety or fatigue. I just feel like crap mentally and physically. How long is this going to last? Will it ever get better? Will the poison continue to wreck havoc with my body forever or will it eventally stop and I will heal? And will I be able to wait it out? I would cry but don't have the energy for it. Hell.

Well crap

Crap, crap, crap. Things just don't get any better. Ever. I thought today was going to be the day I found out about the compression fracture in my spine - I had an MRI. Turns out MRI's don't show bones, only soft tissue, things filled with water. So why the hell did I have one? All I wanted to know was how old was the fracture, how bad was the fracture, would it be causing the pain in my right side, and what do I do about it? That's all! That's what kept me from jumping out of that MRI machine and running for my car for 2 hours - at last I would have the answers to my questions!!! The results came back and it shows I have a "protrusion" between 2 lumbar vertebra. Big deal. I've had that for 10 years. And that was all it showed. When the nurse called to give me the results, I asked if it showed the fracture. She said the report didn't mention it. How is that possible, says I. Uh, all I can tell you is that you have a protrusion and the doctor wants you to see an orthopedist. Well fuck that! (I've been trying not to use foul language in my blogs, but I'm really past fed up with this shit!) So where do I go from here? She wants me to see an orthopedist. She wanted me to see a neurologist for the cipro-induced facial numbness and vision distortion. She wants to pretend that a lumbar protrusion will cause pain way above the lumbar region. She is an ass and I need to stop seeing her.

I'm so depressed. I'm beyond depressed. I'm defeated. Yesterday my face and vision seemed better. Today they're as bad as ever. Yesterday my back hurt so bad I could barely finish my 4 hours at work. Today its less painful. I have no appetite. I eat almost nothing. I force myself to drink water, but I've even lost interest in staying hydrated. I'm sick of seeing doctors. I'm sick of inconclusive tests. I'm sick of my face feeling like I've had a stroke. I'm sick of anxiety. I'm sick of pain. I'm sick of living this way. But what the fuck to I do about it? It seems I've given it my best shot. I've done what everyone has told me to do, I've trusted modern medicine to make my life better, and its shit all over me. Friday I see the accupuncturist. I'm almost afraid to go because she seems my last hope. What if it doesn't do anything? What if my face remains as it is now? What if the anxiety is the same or worse? What if my pain doesn't change? I don't expect all of it to be cured by one accupuncture session - I just want some change for the better in any of the above areas. But if none are, or if, as karma seems bent on doing, it makes things worse, then where am I? I can't end my life, that's a given. I have neither the courage, the skill, nor the cold-heartedness to ruin my children's lives that way. But to die seems to be the only way out of all the suffering. I'm not strong. I'm not brave. I don't want to fight any more. I just want to be better in some way - any way. All right, in the face. That is the worst of it. The tingling/numb sensation is what keeps me down the most. That's what I want gone.

I'm sick of hell. I want to leave it. I want to live in light and beauty and peace. Fuck hell.

I'll Give You Something to Cry About!

Remember when you were a kid and spent the day whining about this and that until your mom finally turned to you and said, "If you don't be quiet I'll give you something to cry about!"? Well, I think Mother Earth or God or Karma has finally had enough of me whining about the invisible anxiety and has decided to give me something "real" to cry about! Because god knows, living with anxiety doesn't make ones life miserable enough. There is no true malady, no tangible evidence of disfunction, no outward signs of distress, so what is there to moan about? Well now I have something to cry about - not as apparent as say leprosy or gangrene - but a "real" problem. I have a compression fracture in my spine. Yes, I'm getting old. And yes, it hurts. Fate couldn't wait until my cipro toxicity symptoms cleared, or my renewed agoraphobia subsided; no, it had to keep piling it on. Heaven forbid I should have one thing to worry about at a time! I've known about it for about a week but figured it didn't hurt bad enough to worry about. Until yesterday when I overdid it. Perhaps carrying 20 pound bags of groceries was a bad idea. Now my side and back hurts pretty much constantly. I read about treatment for this particular injury and it says no lifting, bending or twisting, and often a back brace. How does one go through one's day without bending or twising? And if one buys groceries and no one is home, how does one get them into the house? I've seen so many doctors lately I could paper my bedroom walls with invoices. And yet it appears I need to see more, get their learned opinions on what I need to do for this newest malady. One suggests that the pain I have in my side may not be related to the fracture, so suggests a CT scan. Another feels further studies of the spine are in order, in the form of an MRI. At the insistance of my primary care doctor who screwed up and gave me the cipro, I was sent to a neurologist about the ever present face tingling and sight problem, who suggested an MRI of my head! His reasoning, "What if the sensations just coincidentally showed up when you took the cipro and its actually something else?" WTF! Its NOT! He's never heard of this reaction to cipro. He's obviously never googled it! So no head MRI for me.

All I want is to go back to plain old anxiety disorder. I'll even take the agoraphobia. I know how to deal with that. I want my face to feel normal, I want my eyes to function properly, I want to be able to bend or twist or pick up a gallon of milk, and I want to never see another doctor or have another test as long as I live! So who does one talk to about this? I spoke to God the other day and suggested He help me, but of course got no response. I've been sending out positive vibes into the universe but with no luck. What does one have to do to get a little positive energy into their lives?

Hell. It is apparently where I am destined to remain for the rest of my days. My only hope is that when I leave this planet there will be peace. Oh yes, I need to add depression to my list.

Sigh

I do that a lot. Yesterday for the first time in the 18 days since I took the cipro, my face didn't tingle and my eyes weren't messed up. Today they're both as bad as they were in the beginning. I don't know what to think now. And I'm so distraught and depressed. Even with my lack of symptoms yesterday, the anxiety was still extraordinary. I wanted to climb out of my skin. While the anxiety was less today, the other symptoms were overwhelming. I can't seem to wake up out of this nightmare. As I sit here, my cheeks and chin ache from the numbness and tingling, and my right eye hurts and feels somehow heavy. I don't know what it is I'm afraid of - that its going to get worse? That its going to stay the same? That its going to come and go for the rest of my life? Its so damned annoying having this constant feeling, this constant source of worry and anxiety and FEAR! God, I'm so tired of being afraid.

Sigh.