Well crap

Crap, crap, crap. Things just don't get any better. Ever. I thought today was going to be the day I found out about the compression fracture in my spine - I had an MRI. Turns out MRI's don't show bones, only soft tissue, things filled with water. So why the hell did I have one? All I wanted to know was how old was the fracture, how bad was the fracture, would it be causing the pain in my right side, and what do I do about it? That's all! That's what kept me from jumping out of that MRI machine and running for my car for 2 hours - at last I would have the answers to my questions!!! The results came back and it shows I have a "protrusion" between 2 lumbar vertebra. Big deal. I've had that for 10 years. And that was all it showed. When the nurse called to give me the results, I asked if it showed the fracture. She said the report didn't mention it. How is that possible, says I. Uh, all I can tell you is that you have a protrusion and the doctor wants you to see an orthopedist. Well fuck that! (I've been trying not to use foul language in my blogs, but I'm really past fed up with this shit!) So where do I go from here? She wants me to see an orthopedist. She wanted me to see a neurologist for the cipro-induced facial numbness and vision distortion. She wants to pretend that a lumbar protrusion will cause pain way above the lumbar region. She is an ass and I need to stop seeing her.

I'm so depressed. I'm beyond depressed. I'm defeated. Yesterday my face and vision seemed better. Today they're as bad as ever. Yesterday my back hurt so bad I could barely finish my 4 hours at work. Today its less painful. I have no appetite. I eat almost nothing. I force myself to drink water, but I've even lost interest in staying hydrated. I'm sick of seeing doctors. I'm sick of inconclusive tests. I'm sick of my face feeling like I've had a stroke. I'm sick of anxiety. I'm sick of pain. I'm sick of living this way. But what the fuck to I do about it? It seems I've given it my best shot. I've done what everyone has told me to do, I've trusted modern medicine to make my life better, and its shit all over me. Friday I see the accupuncturist. I'm almost afraid to go because she seems my last hope. What if it doesn't do anything? What if my face remains as it is now? What if the anxiety is the same or worse? What if my pain doesn't change? I don't expect all of it to be cured by one accupuncture session - I just want some change for the better in any of the above areas. But if none are, or if, as karma seems bent on doing, it makes things worse, then where am I? I can't end my life, that's a given. I have neither the courage, the skill, nor the cold-heartedness to ruin my children's lives that way. But to die seems to be the only way out of all the suffering. I'm not strong. I'm not brave. I don't want to fight any more. I just want to be better in some way - any way. All right, in the face. That is the worst of it. The tingling/numb sensation is what keeps me down the most. That's what I want gone.

I'm sick of hell. I want to leave it. I want to live in light and beauty and peace. Fuck hell.