I'll Give You Something to Cry About!

Remember when you were a kid and spent the day whining about this and that until your mom finally turned to you and said, "If you don't be quiet I'll give you something to cry about!"? Well, I think Mother Earth or God or Karma has finally had enough of me whining about the invisible anxiety and has decided to give me something "real" to cry about! Because god knows, living with anxiety doesn't make ones life miserable enough. There is no true malady, no tangible evidence of disfunction, no outward signs of distress, so what is there to moan about? Well now I have something to cry about - not as apparent as say leprosy or gangrene - but a "real" problem. I have a compression fracture in my spine. Yes, I'm getting old. And yes, it hurts. Fate couldn't wait until my cipro toxicity symptoms cleared, or my renewed agoraphobia subsided; no, it had to keep piling it on. Heaven forbid I should have one thing to worry about at a time! I've known about it for about a week but figured it didn't hurt bad enough to worry about. Until yesterday when I overdid it. Perhaps carrying 20 pound bags of groceries was a bad idea. Now my side and back hurts pretty much constantly. I read about treatment for this particular injury and it says no lifting, bending or twisting, and often a back brace. How does one go through one's day without bending or twising? And if one buys groceries and no one is home, how does one get them into the house? I've seen so many doctors lately I could paper my bedroom walls with invoices. And yet it appears I need to see more, get their learned opinions on what I need to do for this newest malady. One suggests that the pain I have in my side may not be related to the fracture, so suggests a CT scan. Another feels further studies of the spine are in order, in the form of an MRI. At the insistance of my primary care doctor who screwed up and gave me the cipro, I was sent to a neurologist about the ever present face tingling and sight problem, who suggested an MRI of my head! His reasoning, "What if the sensations just coincidentally showed up when you took the cipro and its actually something else?" WTF! Its NOT! He's never heard of this reaction to cipro. He's obviously never googled it! So no head MRI for me.

All I want is to go back to plain old anxiety disorder. I'll even take the agoraphobia. I know how to deal with that. I want my face to feel normal, I want my eyes to function properly, I want to be able to bend or twist or pick up a gallon of milk, and I want to never see another doctor or have another test as long as I live! So who does one talk to about this? I spoke to God the other day and suggested He help me, but of course got no response. I've been sending out positive vibes into the universe but with no luck. What does one have to do to get a little positive energy into their lives?

Hell. It is apparently where I am destined to remain for the rest of my days. My only hope is that when I leave this planet there will be peace. Oh yes, I need to add depression to my list.

Sigh

I do that a lot. Yesterday for the first time in the 18 days since I took the cipro, my face didn't tingle and my eyes weren't messed up. Today they're both as bad as they were in the beginning. I don't know what to think now. And I'm so distraught and depressed. Even with my lack of symptoms yesterday, the anxiety was still extraordinary. I wanted to climb out of my skin. While the anxiety was less today, the other symptoms were overwhelming. I can't seem to wake up out of this nightmare. As I sit here, my cheeks and chin ache from the numbness and tingling, and my right eye hurts and feels somehow heavy. I don't know what it is I'm afraid of - that its going to get worse? That its going to stay the same? That its going to come and go for the rest of my life? Its so damned annoying having this constant feeling, this constant source of worry and anxiety and FEAR! God, I'm so tired of being afraid.

Sigh.

Another Day

Yeah, its another day. Its an anxious one, but there isn't a reason for it. I had a bit of good news yesterday - well good news/bad news/interesting news. I've been struggling with the tingly face, blurred vision from what I've come to learn is cipro toxicity, and all the research I've done seemed to suggest it was permanent. My sister, the doctor, has been trying to figure out how to reverse the effects once she was finally convinced it wasn't all in my head. Unable to come up with anything, she went with her last resort and called her "crazy" doctor friend who is a homeopath. She told him about the cipro and resulting effects of it. His first question to her was, does your sister have anxiety/panic disorder? She was taken aback and said yes. He went on to tell her that there is an impaired enzyme in many anxiety sufferers that keeps them from metabolizing about 56 percent of all drugs and given my drug intolerance history, he believed I was one of them. He also said he had seen and treated a number of cipro toxicity cases, all with positive results, and he does it with natural things. He's supposed to call me this afternoon to talk with me about it. He also told my sister that he'd like to start seeing me for my anxiety, that he's had good results with that as well! I'm skeptical, but will give it a shot. Bad thing is, he doesn't take any insurance so it will be all out of pocket. Oh well.

I was talking with my mom yesterday about this new doctor and she started remembering back to my first bad drug reaction. I was prescribed compezine for an ucky tummy in college. Shortly after I started taking it I began to have severe anxiety and paranoia. I'd climb the stairs to one of my classes and feel like I was going to die. My skin was always crawling. But I kept taking the pills, not putting two and two together. I also started seeing the school psychologist because I thought I was going crazy. After a few sessions, she surmised that it must be a parent issue and asked my mom and dad to come up (an hour drive) for a session. As we all sat there talking, I noticed that I couldn't stop smiling and looking up. My mother, having been a psychiatric nurse for many years, immediately recognized it as a reaction to the compezine - she'd seen it a lot in mental hospitals. So they rushed me to the campus ER and gave me benedryl IV and I was all better. No more compezine. I shudder to think what would have happened if circumstances hadn't been what they were! If my mother hadn't been there at that exact moment, would I be a drooling idiot today?

And then there was my journey through ssri's. Ah, anti-depressants! It still doesn't make sense to me to prescribe an anti-depressant for anxiety. The first one, prozac, worked okay for a few weeks. I didn't feel great on it, kind of like a zombie, but the anxiety seemed less. Until my body built up enough of it to become toxic! Then it was wave after wave of panic for days on end. No more prozac. My sister figured it was all in my mind. I wondered myself.

Next was Zoloft. Immediately after taking it I became so aggitated that I couldn't sit down. At the time my sister chalked it up to my mind again, but a few years later she tried it and had the same reaction. She believed me on that one.

A few years later I tried Celexa. I don't know if the other two had already wrecked my P-450 enzyme, but after 3 days on it I was suicidal. All I could do was sit in bed and rock, begging for someone to put me out of my misery. After that, no more anti-depressants - ever!

I stopped taking anything at that point. Now I'm glad I did. Who knows what damage I could have done if I'd taken anything else! Again, shudder!!!

So anyway, now I know. I did some internet research and found a list of drugs I should never take, and also found out the 7 to 10 percent of the population have impaired P-450 enzymes! If one of us is given even .5mg of warfarin (for blood clots, drugs like coumadin), it could make all the blood in our body no longer coagulate!!! SHUDDER!!!!!!

And I'm anxious today. I feel like I'm suffering from post traumatic stress. The whole - oh my god I'm going to go blind and my face will go numb and I'll look like I've had a stroke and god only knows what else will happen to other parts of my body - that had me terrified. I still worry about the lasting effects of the damned drug. And now I also have the fear of ever having to take another drug, what will that do to me! Ugh. I'm tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I could barely get out of bed this morning, and when I did, I hurried through the shower and sat back in bed, rocking for almost half an hour. I had 3 things I wanted to accomplish today - 2 loads of laundry, clean the litter box, and mail a package (which consisted of walking to the mailbox at the end of the driveway). I have accomplished the mail and will soon finish the laundry. No litter yet, but the cats would really appreciate it. God, I hate being immobilized with irrational fear!

Its a gorgeous day out and here I sit, in my rocking chair, afraid to venture from home, locked in my own little hell. When will it end?

From Hell to Nightmare

Its been quite some time since I've written. Things were going pretty well for a short time. The anxiety, while still present, was running in the background and allowing me to live a semi-normal life. I'd still get waves of panic at a store now and again, but for the most part I was okay. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. I'd had a pain in my right side for 3 weeks and decided to see a doctor about it. She did a urine test which came back with trace blood and white cells - an indicator of a urinary tract infection. So she started me on Cipro, an antibiotic. My drug phobia made it hellish to take those pills, but everyone said "Its only an antibiotic, they don't hurt anyone." So I took them. It was a 3 day course. The first day was okay. The second day my anxiety was high and I was jittery. The 3rd day I started feeling flushed in my face and my vision became out of tune. I finished the medicine. An hour later I got a call from the doctor's office saying the urine came back negative for infection from the lab! I didn't even know they were sending it to a lab! I thought the test in the office was accurate or I would have waited for the results! So fine, I took a drug I didn't need to take. Problem is, 2 weeks later and I still have tingling and numbness in my face and distorted vision! I looked online and found a site with 7 pages of people who had lifelong debilitation from taking Cipro or Cipro-like drugs, one of which was the face and vision problems! Now I'm scared to death that this is how I'm going to be forever! I'm depressed beyond depression. If I could end my life today, I would do it. I am a walking nerve right now, have been for the last 2 weeks. I was so desparate for relief that I prayed for the first time in years - one of those sobbing, pleading prayers. If only there were a god to hear it. Who knew that hell had deeper, darker rooms than just the standard one.

On death and dying

I've been thinking about death a lot lately, even before Michael, Farrah, Ed and Billy. But the death of Michael Jackson has brought it more to the forefront. He and I are/were the same age, off by only a month and a half. I felt like we had a connection. I listened to his music most of my life, got my children hooked on him, empathized with his screwed up life, stood up for him during all the allegations, etc. I know I'm not alone in any of this. He was a well-loved man. I look at his life and I look at mine. He was a genius with talent far above that of anyone else. He made a difference in the lives of millions of people, and could have continued if he hadn't died. Me? I could die today and the world wouldn't miss a thing. I know, I sound like a drama queen, but I don't mean to. I'm in a bad place again and I don't see the point of living. I wake up anxious, my stomach is in constant turmoil, my marriage is shit, I'm too unattractive and unsocial to find anyone else at this point, I do nothing for society, and I'm miserable. I have no friends, few acquaintences, and I whine a hell of a lot (as you can see). I want so much more from life and yet I know I'll never have it. I don't want to spend the next 30 or 40 years struggling through the day. Sitting at work today I felt useless. I'm surrounded by nurses who are caring for patients, a doctor who is helping people feel better, and there I sit pinning nun costumes to sew when I get home, with a break now and then to sign a patient in or out. That is my contribution to society. A drug rep came and brought lunch today. He was gorgeous. I came in early so I could talk with him, find out what the drugs he promotes actually do. And look at him. I felt like I overdid my makeup, dressed inappropriately, asked stupid questions, was socially awkward. I want to be noticed, but I'm too unattractive to make it work.

My anxiety symptoms recently are stomach, feeling like I can't breathe, and feeling like I have heart problems. In the past, this would disturb me to the point of panic. Now I look at it as, if I die, I die. Hopefully it will be quick and painless. I don't plan on taking any steps to hasten my demise, at least not right now. Sometimes I do think about it. Anxiety disorder has robbed me of my life for 25 years or more. I don't know that I'm willing to give it much more.

Back in Hell

I had about a month and a half of relative normalcy. I was able to go about my life without too much fear. The anxiety was like a program running in the background. Some days it broke through, but it was managable. I went out at night, went to a concert, to an art show, ate out, enjoyed life. But it was short-lived. About a week ago it started creeping back in. Well, two weeks, really. That's when I stopped sleeping well. After a week of that, the symptoms kicked in. It began with feeling bloated all the time, and anxiety that centered around my stomach. It stayed pretty constantly. And the weather turned to hell as well. Literally. The heat and humidity feels like I'm standing in the doorway to hell. That triggers my anxiety. I muddled through those anxious days, hoping they would soon subside. But they got worse. Yesterday I could barely stand to stay at work. I wake up at night with anxious tummy that radiates to my chest and makes me fear I'm having heart trouble. This morning I have concluded that I am officially back into an anxiety phase, and that depresses the hell out of me. I don't want to get out of bed. My house needs cleaning. I haven't walked the dogs in over a week. I'm so tired from waking up all night. I think about how much better off I would be if I were dead. And last night driving home from work I visualized turning in front of oncoming traffic but rationalized that if I did that, they would hit the passenger side and would probably only injure me. I don't want injury, I want death. I would probably never do it, but the idea is liberating. This is not the life I want to live. It is sheer misery waking up only to face another day of living hell. There is no joy is my life. I used to at least have sleep to look forward to, but now even that is gone. Michael Jackson died yesterday. He was only a month and a half older than I am. I was jealous that he got to go. It should have been me.

Still here...

I took my last Ativan Thursday, March 5, 2009. I thought, what the hell, I can't feel any worse than I do taking it. I'd tapered down to .06mg or so, a tiny amount that was doing nothing for me. My anxiety was sky high and the dose was just perpetuating my suffering, so I stopped. I didn't feel quite as bad for the week following, and then had some days of pure joy! It began Friday, March 13th. I woke up with energy, cleaned my house from top to bottom, walked the dogs, felt marvelous. The weather matched my mood - sunny and warm. The weekend was good as well. No anxiety, motivation to do things I hadn't done in months, energy. On Monday I drove to Joann's Fabrics, out of my comfort zone, spent 2 hours looking around the store, waited in line, all without even a hint of anxiety. I felt so good I decided to take myself out to lunch at Panera's. I bought a magazine to read while I ate. I was in heaven. It was delightful!! I thought my life was finally turning around. Tuesday was great as well. Wednesday there was some anxiety, nothing bad, just a hint. By Thursday it had returned! My stomach churned constantly, I felt jittery. It has been steadily increasing. Yesterday it was unbearable. I felt like I'd consumed a gallon of coffee. Its so depressing waking up to face a day of anxiety that consumes the soul. I lay in bed until I have to get up. I don't sleep well. I'm a wreck. I belong to a benzodiazepine recovery forum and am told that this is common, that it is a withdrawal symptom and can go on and off like this for months. I'm not really up for months of anxiety. But I can't go back on a benzo because it will screw up the withdrawal process, make things worse. I found that out myself when, back in January I started feeling like this and upped my dose. I had no relief and felt so much worse. God I hate my life right now. I am miserable, useless, and feel like hell. I have to force myself to do anything productive. I want to scream, and I do shout obscenities throughout the day, but it doesn't make it go away. The good times are called windows at the benzo support site. I want another window. I need another window to preserve what sanity I have left.

Still in hell after a too short vacation.