The evils of Ativan

If you can avoid it, do. I wish I had never started taking it. If you'll recall, in August 2008 during yet another anxiety phase (there are way too many), I finally gave in and begged for relief with a benzodiazepine. The doctor gave me Ativan - 3mg a day! That's a lot of Ativan. It would have been okay had it done what I had hoped - made me feel good. It did for a couple days, then all hell broke loose in my body. Suicidal depression, anxiety, etc. Anyway, I started to taper off it after 3 weeks. January 1 I got down to .125mg, a quarter of a pill. I planned to stay there only 2 weeks, but I had an increase in anxiety and stayed on it - am still on it. 3 weeks ago I started having constant anxiety, unlike my usual anxiety. Nothing helped, not breathing exercises, not distraction, nothing. And its been getting worse. Last night I was online at a benzo recovery site and learned I'm having tolerance withdrawal, where the body gets used to the lower dose and wants more and throws a hissy fit to get it! So that's where I am. I have constant anxiety and now I need to get off the rest of the ativan. Last night I took 1/8 of a pill, but I'm thinking of just stopping it all together. I just don't know what to do. This is horrible. I'm scared to death that I'll have weeks, possibly months, of unbearable anxiety until the ativan is out of my system. I thought I knew hell before. NOW I really know hell. Sucks sucks sucks!!!

New Year

Sigh. It seems like the first day of the new year should be filled with hope. Not so when you start it out with anxiety. I've been doing poorly for the past 4 days. It started with pulling the muscles in my back, which moved to my chest and neck, and with little or no sleep. Today is the worst anxiety-wise. I woke up around 9:30, laid in bed until 10:30. As I laid there, I could feel the anxiety rising. I slept in my daughter's bed last night (she was sleeping over at a friend's house) hoping the quiet and change of scenery would snap me out of my bad sleep pattern. It didn't work. I had chills for hours, then over-heated and had a small panic attack. After that I think I may have slept some, but did not wake up refreshed. And my muscles still ache. I have no motivation. None. I need to do laundry. I need to do dishes. I need to clean the litter box. My bathroom sink should be scrubbed. I don't even want to get in the shower this morning. I took half an ativan a few minutes ago, hoping that will calm me down. I'm so afraid I'm headed back to where I was only 3 months ago. It hasn't been long enough! Its not fair! And its been so long since I've taken half an ativan that now I'm worried about that. I've been taking 1/4 of one at bedtime, so its insane to think anything bad will happen, and all the time I took a whole one nothing bad ever happened. God, I'm doomed. My life is hell. I don't know how to make me better and make it stick. All it takes is an ache or a pain and I'm right back into it. This is so depressing. I am miserable. I don't want to move from my bed today. I am in hell.

Oh, the holidays

I've been doing pretty well lately. The anxiety has been manageable - until yesterday. I haven't been sleeping well, and that makes my anxiety increase. Yesterday I took down the tree and my It's A Wonderful Life village. The village was on top of my entertainment center. And to put it away, it was all reaching, stretching and rearranging over my head on the top shelf in my closet. I strained the muscles in my upper back. Now, for a normal person, they'd take a couple Tylenol and chalk the pain up as just that - muscular. Not me. I'm afraid to take Tylenol, and even though I know the pain is probably a result of over-doing, I can't help but think it is something more ominous, like blood clot or heart attack. Last night I barely slept at all. The pain was gnawing at me, and there was a wind storm that scared the little dog and she kept me up the rest of the time. Today my anxiety is sky high. I'm tired, I'm in pain, and I'm anxious. For the last 2 years, on December 28 I've ended up in the Emergency room for panic-related problems. I'm trying really hard to resist the urge to carry on the tradition. I want to be taken care of, to be reassured that I'm all right. They do a wonderful job of that in the ER. God, I hate feeling like this. I have to be strong and its so hard to do with little or no sleep.

Hell is but a sleepless night away.

Its been a while

I've been doing better than I was when I started this blog, but today is turning out to be a challenge. For one thing, its cold!!! Its only 21 degrees outside and the temp inside feels frigid. I haven't had real panic in months but this morning I'm feeling quite anxious. I'm not good with changes and there are a number of them going on. We sold our sofa which we've had for about 6 years, and our entertainment center, which we've had for 20. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to get rid of them, at least I think I did, but its still a big change. What if someone needs to spend the night here and we don't have a sofa for them to sleep on? What if I don't like the new entertainment center? Stupid concerns, but they're there none the less. This morning I cleared all the components and tv off the stand so the people can pick it up tonight. That made me anxious, I suppose because I haven't done anything physical in a while, but also just because things aren't where they're supposed to be. God I hate anxiety disorders!

I also made another cut on my Ativan - from three quarters of a pill down to two quarters. The last cut I made was the hardest, going from .5mg split into 4 daily doses, to .375mg, split into 3 daily doses. Now I'm at .25mg split into 2 daily doses. The theory is that one should never lower the dose more than 10 percent, but when you're at such a small dose its hard to take it slower than this. The pills themselves are no more than 3/16ths of an inch in diameter, so cutting them into quarters is like micro-surgery. I'm already feeling the palpitations that go with a cut, and of course the increase in anxiety. Being shivering cold increases both symptoms.

Then there are the holidays. I like Christmas, sort of. I mean, the music is good, I like giving people presents, it seems very nostalgic. But it also means change. There will be a disruptive tree in my living room for weeks, I will have to make sure I have enough presents for all the right people, it will get colder, and worst of all, the new year is looming just around the corner. It should be just another date, but it comes with so many expectations. There is looking back at the year passing, with all of its failures, frustrations and fuck-ups, and there is the intrepidation of another year, with its endless possibilities for suffering and loss and unknown problems. I don't see it as a clean slate, like I used to. I see it as another file folder in which to store another year's worth of misery. That's what anxiety disorders do. There may be good times, but you know they'll always be tempered with the idea that they will end with yet another panic attack or thoughts of terminal illness or days spent shaking and rocking and praying for relief. If only I could sustain the joy I feel when I'm not thinking anxious thoughts. I do get moments like that. Sometimes I forget about it completely and think like a normal human being. But it always returns. It is hell with intermissions.

It's Getting Better

I hesitate to admit it, but I'm feeling a whole lot better these days. I wake up in the morning and don't dread getting out of bed (now its the chill in the air that keeps me under the covers until I must get up). I eat breakfast, walk the dogs, do some chores, have the desire to keep my house clean again, and all without anxiety. I still have my moments, but they are much less severe and come less often, sometimes days. It's heavenly. I'm slowly tapering off the Ativan, cutting back a quarter of a pill every 5 days and am currently down to .75 mg.

So how did I get back to being a normal person? I don't know! That's how it works. I kept doing the things a "normal" person would do, going to work, shopping, paying bills, all with the anxiety, and then one day the fear and dread wasn't there. It's a fabulous feeling not being afraid of your own body and mind. The hell of it is that I'm never sure when it will come back. For now, I'll just enjoy every moment in remission. Today I have plans to clean my house from top to bottom (well, side to side). If both my girls are off today, perhaps we'll even indulge in lunch out, something we haven't done in months.

I feel like I'm standing on the outside of hell today, not wanting to glance back to see where I've been lest I am sucked back into the dark side. Happy days are here again!!!

And It gets worse

I now have constant anxiety, have to force myself to eat, which today included a glass of Ovaltine, 2 cheese sticks, 8 crackers, and water. I can't even describe what my stomach is doing. Its tight, its aggitated, it thinks we're about to bungie jump off a cliff. I tried a relaxation exercise, laid down for an hour, and shivered and twitched throughout the whole thing. It has to be the Ativan doing it. I want to drive to the emergency room right now and beg for something to calm me down. My blood pressure this afternoon was 160/100! My usual is 130/80. Tomorrow I see my doctor again. I'm going to ask for Valium. There is a method prescribed to be many that switches Ativan (or any benzo user) over to Valium slowly because it is easier (less withdrawl symptoms) to taper off of. And who knows, maybe I'll find I like the Valium and just stay on it. If it keeps me from feeling like this, I might just do it. I am so very very miserable right now. It's like I've been on a caffeine high for 2 days straight. At 6 a.m. I woke up with a near panic attack - heart rate 134, cold sweats. I'm not strong enough to do this. It's too hard. Haven't I been through enough already? There can not possibly be a God in heaven to let this continue on like this. I begged for help today and got nothing. I can't do this. I don't know how to continue in this state of terror. Yet there is no way out. I must simply experience the horror of it, knowing that there is nothing more I can do besides put myself out of my misery, but I can't do that without putting the rest of my family through worse misery for the rest of their lives. So I am trapped. I don't know where to go from here. The thought of suffering through another night is overwhelming. I'm considering driving over to the emergency room and sleeping in my car so I'm close by...just in case. Hell. Sheer, utter, hell. My blessing on anyone who has to deal with this.

Still Struggling

Why's it gotta be so hard? That's all I want to know. I've tapered down to 1.625mg (down from 2mg) of Ativan a day and I'm anxious as hell most of the time. Is it withdrawl, or is it just the anxiety? I don't know, but it sucks. Usually work will calm me down, but the anxiety lasted throughout the whole day. And night time is usually a better time for me, but tonight I'm, you guessed it, ANXIOUS. I have shortened my taper schedule to have me done by the first week of November. I just hope this works and I'm not too terribly anxious by the end. I must learn some new coping skills to handle this anxiety without drugs. Hell. Real, live, hell. Right now. And for who knows how much longer. I hate this!!!!