On death and dying

I've been thinking about death a lot lately, even before Michael, Farrah, Ed and Billy. But the death of Michael Jackson has brought it more to the forefront. He and I are/were the same age, off by only a month and a half. I felt like we had a connection. I listened to his music most of my life, got my children hooked on him, empathized with his screwed up life, stood up for him during all the allegations, etc. I know I'm not alone in any of this. He was a well-loved man. I look at his life and I look at mine. He was a genius with talent far above that of anyone else. He made a difference in the lives of millions of people, and could have continued if he hadn't died. Me? I could die today and the world wouldn't miss a thing. I know, I sound like a drama queen, but I don't mean to. I'm in a bad place again and I don't see the point of living. I wake up anxious, my stomach is in constant turmoil, my marriage is shit, I'm too unattractive and unsocial to find anyone else at this point, I do nothing for society, and I'm miserable. I have no friends, few acquaintences, and I whine a hell of a lot (as you can see). I want so much more from life and yet I know I'll never have it. I don't want to spend the next 30 or 40 years struggling through the day. Sitting at work today I felt useless. I'm surrounded by nurses who are caring for patients, a doctor who is helping people feel better, and there I sit pinning nun costumes to sew when I get home, with a break now and then to sign a patient in or out. That is my contribution to society. A drug rep came and brought lunch today. He was gorgeous. I came in early so I could talk with him, find out what the drugs he promotes actually do. And look at him. I felt like I overdid my makeup, dressed inappropriately, asked stupid questions, was socially awkward. I want to be noticed, but I'm too unattractive to make it work.

My anxiety symptoms recently are stomach, feeling like I can't breathe, and feeling like I have heart problems. In the past, this would disturb me to the point of panic. Now I look at it as, if I die, I die. Hopefully it will be quick and painless. I don't plan on taking any steps to hasten my demise, at least not right now. Sometimes I do think about it. Anxiety disorder has robbed me of my life for 25 years or more. I don't know that I'm willing to give it much more.

Back in Hell

I had about a month and a half of relative normalcy. I was able to go about my life without too much fear. The anxiety was like a program running in the background. Some days it broke through, but it was managable. I went out at night, went to a concert, to an art show, ate out, enjoyed life. But it was short-lived. About a week ago it started creeping back in. Well, two weeks, really. That's when I stopped sleeping well. After a week of that, the symptoms kicked in. It began with feeling bloated all the time, and anxiety that centered around my stomach. It stayed pretty constantly. And the weather turned to hell as well. Literally. The heat and humidity feels like I'm standing in the doorway to hell. That triggers my anxiety. I muddled through those anxious days, hoping they would soon subside. But they got worse. Yesterday I could barely stand to stay at work. I wake up at night with anxious tummy that radiates to my chest and makes me fear I'm having heart trouble. This morning I have concluded that I am officially back into an anxiety phase, and that depresses the hell out of me. I don't want to get out of bed. My house needs cleaning. I haven't walked the dogs in over a week. I'm so tired from waking up all night. I think about how much better off I would be if I were dead. And last night driving home from work I visualized turning in front of oncoming traffic but rationalized that if I did that, they would hit the passenger side and would probably only injure me. I don't want injury, I want death. I would probably never do it, but the idea is liberating. This is not the life I want to live. It is sheer misery waking up only to face another day of living hell. There is no joy is my life. I used to at least have sleep to look forward to, but now even that is gone. Michael Jackson died yesterday. He was only a month and a half older than I am. I was jealous that he got to go. It should have been me.

Still here...

I took my last Ativan Thursday, March 5, 2009. I thought, what the hell, I can't feel any worse than I do taking it. I'd tapered down to .06mg or so, a tiny amount that was doing nothing for me. My anxiety was sky high and the dose was just perpetuating my suffering, so I stopped. I didn't feel quite as bad for the week following, and then had some days of pure joy! It began Friday, March 13th. I woke up with energy, cleaned my house from top to bottom, walked the dogs, felt marvelous. The weather matched my mood - sunny and warm. The weekend was good as well. No anxiety, motivation to do things I hadn't done in months, energy. On Monday I drove to Joann's Fabrics, out of my comfort zone, spent 2 hours looking around the store, waited in line, all without even a hint of anxiety. I felt so good I decided to take myself out to lunch at Panera's. I bought a magazine to read while I ate. I was in heaven. It was delightful!! I thought my life was finally turning around. Tuesday was great as well. Wednesday there was some anxiety, nothing bad, just a hint. By Thursday it had returned! My stomach churned constantly, I felt jittery. It has been steadily increasing. Yesterday it was unbearable. I felt like I'd consumed a gallon of coffee. Its so depressing waking up to face a day of anxiety that consumes the soul. I lay in bed until I have to get up. I don't sleep well. I'm a wreck. I belong to a benzodiazepine recovery forum and am told that this is common, that it is a withdrawal symptom and can go on and off like this for months. I'm not really up for months of anxiety. But I can't go back on a benzo because it will screw up the withdrawal process, make things worse. I found that out myself when, back in January I started feeling like this and upped my dose. I had no relief and felt so much worse. God I hate my life right now. I am miserable, useless, and feel like hell. I have to force myself to do anything productive. I want to scream, and I do shout obscenities throughout the day, but it doesn't make it go away. The good times are called windows at the benzo support site. I want another window. I need another window to preserve what sanity I have left.

Still in hell after a too short vacation.

Benzo withdrawal

Last night I took my last Ativan. It was only a small piece, maybe .06mg - its hard to tell when the pieces get so small. I'm stopping now because the withdrawal symptoms aren't easing up. The idea is that you taper off slowly and level out at a dose, then taper some more. I've been at a smaller dose for weeks and don't ever level out, so I figure I'll stop screwing with it and just get off. I'm so tense and anxious today that I can barely stand it. My stomach is so tight I'm nauseated. I've lost weight because I don't feel like eating. It is one of the most horrible things I've ever gone through. Its so scary because I know there is nothing I can do to alleviate the symptoms besides going on another benzo, from which I will again have to taper off of, is not an option. I can't do this any more. But I don't have a choice. God its awful.

One of the problems is that no one believes its withdrawal. They don't know how poisonous these drugs are, that there is no easy way to get off of them. No one understands the suffering I'm going through. I have no motivation to tidy up, do dishes, do laundry, walk the dogs. People think I'm just being a lazy slob. They don't realize that I would love to do all those things, but I can't do it. I can barely get out of bed in the morning let alone do anything productive. I'm trapped in hell. There is no escape from the torture my mind is making my body go through. It scares me to the bone. I fear what tomorrow will bring with no ativan tonight. Can it possibly be worse? If it is, god help me. I don't know if I can survive. I honestly don't.

Still in hell

I can't shake it this time. The anxiety has its filthy claws wrapped around me so tightly that I nearly never have a moment of peace. I now wake up with a tremor inside my chest and shoulders, not visible or palpable on the outside but perceivable on the inside. I have to jiggle my leg or pat my tummy to mask the feeling. My shoulders and chest are so tight all the time that they ache and feel weak. My every thought is about anxiety. I've been trying a mantra today: I am healthy, I am calm, I am relaxed, I am at peace. I'm trying deep breathing today. I am trying to consciously relax my body. But no relaxation takes away the jitteriness that surges through me. I don't leave the house unless its necessary. I went to the grocery yesterday as we were running out of essentials - milk, bread, eggs and such. It was all that I could do to stay in the store and gather up every item on my list. I took my coupons but didn't bother to check them. I didn't care if I spent 50 cents more for something, if it got me out faster, so much the better. I look around at my house and see all the things I've let go. I need to vacuum, I need to tidy up. I did do dishes yesterday but now need to empty the dishwasher. I spend most of my time sitting and either sewing or being on the computer at anxiety websites. Right now my shoulders are hurting me because of all the anxiety I'm holding there. I should leave the house again. I can not let the agoraphobia take over. But its such an effort to leave. And its cold out, so the shivering magnifies the jitters. I'm trapped in a world of fear. I don't trust my body to keep functioning. I'm afraid that the tension will finally overcome me and I'll just stop breathing or become so overwhelmed with anxiety that I'll... I don't even know what I'm afraid could happen. I want so badly to return to a normal state of being. I want to be motivated to clean my house, to shop, to walk the dogs. I want to enjoy my existence not dread every waking moment. I can't even cry for the loss of all that. I have no emotion left. I'm a living stone. I am in hell. I want out.

The evils of Ativan

If you can avoid it, do. I wish I had never started taking it. If you'll recall, in August 2008 during yet another anxiety phase (there are way too many), I finally gave in and begged for relief with a benzodiazepine. The doctor gave me Ativan - 3mg a day! That's a lot of Ativan. It would have been okay had it done what I had hoped - made me feel good. It did for a couple days, then all hell broke loose in my body. Suicidal depression, anxiety, etc. Anyway, I started to taper off it after 3 weeks. January 1 I got down to .125mg, a quarter of a pill. I planned to stay there only 2 weeks, but I had an increase in anxiety and stayed on it - am still on it. 3 weeks ago I started having constant anxiety, unlike my usual anxiety. Nothing helped, not breathing exercises, not distraction, nothing. And its been getting worse. Last night I was online at a benzo recovery site and learned I'm having tolerance withdrawal, where the body gets used to the lower dose and wants more and throws a hissy fit to get it! So that's where I am. I have constant anxiety and now I need to get off the rest of the ativan. Last night I took 1/8 of a pill, but I'm thinking of just stopping it all together. I just don't know what to do. This is horrible. I'm scared to death that I'll have weeks, possibly months, of unbearable anxiety until the ativan is out of my system. I thought I knew hell before. NOW I really know hell. Sucks sucks sucks!!!

New Year

Sigh. It seems like the first day of the new year should be filled with hope. Not so when you start it out with anxiety. I've been doing poorly for the past 4 days. It started with pulling the muscles in my back, which moved to my chest and neck, and with little or no sleep. Today is the worst anxiety-wise. I woke up around 9:30, laid in bed until 10:30. As I laid there, I could feel the anxiety rising. I slept in my daughter's bed last night (she was sleeping over at a friend's house) hoping the quiet and change of scenery would snap me out of my bad sleep pattern. It didn't work. I had chills for hours, then over-heated and had a small panic attack. After that I think I may have slept some, but did not wake up refreshed. And my muscles still ache. I have no motivation. None. I need to do laundry. I need to do dishes. I need to clean the litter box. My bathroom sink should be scrubbed. I don't even want to get in the shower this morning. I took half an ativan a few minutes ago, hoping that will calm me down. I'm so afraid I'm headed back to where I was only 3 months ago. It hasn't been long enough! Its not fair! And its been so long since I've taken half an ativan that now I'm worried about that. I've been taking 1/4 of one at bedtime, so its insane to think anything bad will happen, and all the time I took a whole one nothing bad ever happened. God, I'm doomed. My life is hell. I don't know how to make me better and make it stick. All it takes is an ache or a pain and I'm right back into it. This is so depressing. I am miserable. I don't want to move from my bed today. I am in hell.