Benzo withdrawal

Last night I took my last Ativan. It was only a small piece, maybe .06mg - its hard to tell when the pieces get so small. I'm stopping now because the withdrawal symptoms aren't easing up. The idea is that you taper off slowly and level out at a dose, then taper some more. I've been at a smaller dose for weeks and don't ever level out, so I figure I'll stop screwing with it and just get off. I'm so tense and anxious today that I can barely stand it. My stomach is so tight I'm nauseated. I've lost weight because I don't feel like eating. It is one of the most horrible things I've ever gone through. Its so scary because I know there is nothing I can do to alleviate the symptoms besides going on another benzo, from which I will again have to taper off of, is not an option. I can't do this any more. But I don't have a choice. God its awful.

One of the problems is that no one believes its withdrawal. They don't know how poisonous these drugs are, that there is no easy way to get off of them. No one understands the suffering I'm going through. I have no motivation to tidy up, do dishes, do laundry, walk the dogs. People think I'm just being a lazy slob. They don't realize that I would love to do all those things, but I can't do it. I can barely get out of bed in the morning let alone do anything productive. I'm trapped in hell. There is no escape from the torture my mind is making my body go through. It scares me to the bone. I fear what tomorrow will bring with no ativan tonight. Can it possibly be worse? If it is, god help me. I don't know if I can survive. I honestly don't.

Still in hell

I can't shake it this time. The anxiety has its filthy claws wrapped around me so tightly that I nearly never have a moment of peace. I now wake up with a tremor inside my chest and shoulders, not visible or palpable on the outside but perceivable on the inside. I have to jiggle my leg or pat my tummy to mask the feeling. My shoulders and chest are so tight all the time that they ache and feel weak. My every thought is about anxiety. I've been trying a mantra today: I am healthy, I am calm, I am relaxed, I am at peace. I'm trying deep breathing today. I am trying to consciously relax my body. But no relaxation takes away the jitteriness that surges through me. I don't leave the house unless its necessary. I went to the grocery yesterday as we were running out of essentials - milk, bread, eggs and such. It was all that I could do to stay in the store and gather up every item on my list. I took my coupons but didn't bother to check them. I didn't care if I spent 50 cents more for something, if it got me out faster, so much the better. I look around at my house and see all the things I've let go. I need to vacuum, I need to tidy up. I did do dishes yesterday but now need to empty the dishwasher. I spend most of my time sitting and either sewing or being on the computer at anxiety websites. Right now my shoulders are hurting me because of all the anxiety I'm holding there. I should leave the house again. I can not let the agoraphobia take over. But its such an effort to leave. And its cold out, so the shivering magnifies the jitters. I'm trapped in a world of fear. I don't trust my body to keep functioning. I'm afraid that the tension will finally overcome me and I'll just stop breathing or become so overwhelmed with anxiety that I'll... I don't even know what I'm afraid could happen. I want so badly to return to a normal state of being. I want to be motivated to clean my house, to shop, to walk the dogs. I want to enjoy my existence not dread every waking moment. I can't even cry for the loss of all that. I have no emotion left. I'm a living stone. I am in hell. I want out.

The evils of Ativan

If you can avoid it, do. I wish I had never started taking it. If you'll recall, in August 2008 during yet another anxiety phase (there are way too many), I finally gave in and begged for relief with a benzodiazepine. The doctor gave me Ativan - 3mg a day! That's a lot of Ativan. It would have been okay had it done what I had hoped - made me feel good. It did for a couple days, then all hell broke loose in my body. Suicidal depression, anxiety, etc. Anyway, I started to taper off it after 3 weeks. January 1 I got down to .125mg, a quarter of a pill. I planned to stay there only 2 weeks, but I had an increase in anxiety and stayed on it - am still on it. 3 weeks ago I started having constant anxiety, unlike my usual anxiety. Nothing helped, not breathing exercises, not distraction, nothing. And its been getting worse. Last night I was online at a benzo recovery site and learned I'm having tolerance withdrawal, where the body gets used to the lower dose and wants more and throws a hissy fit to get it! So that's where I am. I have constant anxiety and now I need to get off the rest of the ativan. Last night I took 1/8 of a pill, but I'm thinking of just stopping it all together. I just don't know what to do. This is horrible. I'm scared to death that I'll have weeks, possibly months, of unbearable anxiety until the ativan is out of my system. I thought I knew hell before. NOW I really know hell. Sucks sucks sucks!!!

New Year

Sigh. It seems like the first day of the new year should be filled with hope. Not so when you start it out with anxiety. I've been doing poorly for the past 4 days. It started with pulling the muscles in my back, which moved to my chest and neck, and with little or no sleep. Today is the worst anxiety-wise. I woke up around 9:30, laid in bed until 10:30. As I laid there, I could feel the anxiety rising. I slept in my daughter's bed last night (she was sleeping over at a friend's house) hoping the quiet and change of scenery would snap me out of my bad sleep pattern. It didn't work. I had chills for hours, then over-heated and had a small panic attack. After that I think I may have slept some, but did not wake up refreshed. And my muscles still ache. I have no motivation. None. I need to do laundry. I need to do dishes. I need to clean the litter box. My bathroom sink should be scrubbed. I don't even want to get in the shower this morning. I took half an ativan a few minutes ago, hoping that will calm me down. I'm so afraid I'm headed back to where I was only 3 months ago. It hasn't been long enough! Its not fair! And its been so long since I've taken half an ativan that now I'm worried about that. I've been taking 1/4 of one at bedtime, so its insane to think anything bad will happen, and all the time I took a whole one nothing bad ever happened. God, I'm doomed. My life is hell. I don't know how to make me better and make it stick. All it takes is an ache or a pain and I'm right back into it. This is so depressing. I am miserable. I don't want to move from my bed today. I am in hell.

Oh, the holidays

I've been doing pretty well lately. The anxiety has been manageable - until yesterday. I haven't been sleeping well, and that makes my anxiety increase. Yesterday I took down the tree and my It's A Wonderful Life village. The village was on top of my entertainment center. And to put it away, it was all reaching, stretching and rearranging over my head on the top shelf in my closet. I strained the muscles in my upper back. Now, for a normal person, they'd take a couple Tylenol and chalk the pain up as just that - muscular. Not me. I'm afraid to take Tylenol, and even though I know the pain is probably a result of over-doing, I can't help but think it is something more ominous, like blood clot or heart attack. Last night I barely slept at all. The pain was gnawing at me, and there was a wind storm that scared the little dog and she kept me up the rest of the time. Today my anxiety is sky high. I'm tired, I'm in pain, and I'm anxious. For the last 2 years, on December 28 I've ended up in the Emergency room for panic-related problems. I'm trying really hard to resist the urge to carry on the tradition. I want to be taken care of, to be reassured that I'm all right. They do a wonderful job of that in the ER. God, I hate feeling like this. I have to be strong and its so hard to do with little or no sleep.

Hell is but a sleepless night away.

Its been a while

I've been doing better than I was when I started this blog, but today is turning out to be a challenge. For one thing, its cold!!! Its only 21 degrees outside and the temp inside feels frigid. I haven't had real panic in months but this morning I'm feeling quite anxious. I'm not good with changes and there are a number of them going on. We sold our sofa which we've had for about 6 years, and our entertainment center, which we've had for 20. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to get rid of them, at least I think I did, but its still a big change. What if someone needs to spend the night here and we don't have a sofa for them to sleep on? What if I don't like the new entertainment center? Stupid concerns, but they're there none the less. This morning I cleared all the components and tv off the stand so the people can pick it up tonight. That made me anxious, I suppose because I haven't done anything physical in a while, but also just because things aren't where they're supposed to be. God I hate anxiety disorders!

I also made another cut on my Ativan - from three quarters of a pill down to two quarters. The last cut I made was the hardest, going from .5mg split into 4 daily doses, to .375mg, split into 3 daily doses. Now I'm at .25mg split into 2 daily doses. The theory is that one should never lower the dose more than 10 percent, but when you're at such a small dose its hard to take it slower than this. The pills themselves are no more than 3/16ths of an inch in diameter, so cutting them into quarters is like micro-surgery. I'm already feeling the palpitations that go with a cut, and of course the increase in anxiety. Being shivering cold increases both symptoms.

Then there are the holidays. I like Christmas, sort of. I mean, the music is good, I like giving people presents, it seems very nostalgic. But it also means change. There will be a disruptive tree in my living room for weeks, I will have to make sure I have enough presents for all the right people, it will get colder, and worst of all, the new year is looming just around the corner. It should be just another date, but it comes with so many expectations. There is looking back at the year passing, with all of its failures, frustrations and fuck-ups, and there is the intrepidation of another year, with its endless possibilities for suffering and loss and unknown problems. I don't see it as a clean slate, like I used to. I see it as another file folder in which to store another year's worth of misery. That's what anxiety disorders do. There may be good times, but you know they'll always be tempered with the idea that they will end with yet another panic attack or thoughts of terminal illness or days spent shaking and rocking and praying for relief. If only I could sustain the joy I feel when I'm not thinking anxious thoughts. I do get moments like that. Sometimes I forget about it completely and think like a normal human being. But it always returns. It is hell with intermissions.

It's Getting Better

I hesitate to admit it, but I'm feeling a whole lot better these days. I wake up in the morning and don't dread getting out of bed (now its the chill in the air that keeps me under the covers until I must get up). I eat breakfast, walk the dogs, do some chores, have the desire to keep my house clean again, and all without anxiety. I still have my moments, but they are much less severe and come less often, sometimes days. It's heavenly. I'm slowly tapering off the Ativan, cutting back a quarter of a pill every 5 days and am currently down to .75 mg.

So how did I get back to being a normal person? I don't know! That's how it works. I kept doing the things a "normal" person would do, going to work, shopping, paying bills, all with the anxiety, and then one day the fear and dread wasn't there. It's a fabulous feeling not being afraid of your own body and mind. The hell of it is that I'm never sure when it will come back. For now, I'll just enjoy every moment in remission. Today I have plans to clean my house from top to bottom (well, side to side). If both my girls are off today, perhaps we'll even indulge in lunch out, something we haven't done in months.

I feel like I'm standing on the outside of hell today, not wanting to glance back to see where I've been lest I am sucked back into the dark side. Happy days are here again!!!