170

170. That's how high I counted in the shower this morning. 1675. That's how many steps one way as I walked the dogs. 94. My heart-rate just now. Counting is a coping mechanism for this hellish disorder. If there isn't something actively going on in my brain, the overwhelming anxiety swells into panic. So I count. If I have to drive a long distance, sometimes the entire trip is counted. Music doesn't help, watching the scenery doesn't help, only counting. And if counting fails me, I have to make it more complicated, really engage the mind. Count by two's. No, too easy. Count by 3's or 4's, 6's, 7's, 8's or 9's. I've gotten quite good at those, but on a day when I can't concentrate, they will suffice. In really trying times, multiplication.

Its all about distraction. If I'm in an anxious phase, like now, I can't just sit and relax, shut down my brain. I can't even read unless its an anxiety self-help book, and even then the act of reading alone isn't enough to quiet the turmoil torturing my body. When I read anxiety books, I also type them as I read. I've got a growing computer library of my favorites, mostly Claire Weekes, the pioneer in anxiety therapy. Also a program by Lucinda Bassett. I was in group therapy years ago and we were given copies of her workbook. They were very poorly copied so I had to retyped mine. I even went as far as learning Braille so that when I close my eyes in darkness at night I can occupy my mind decifering the dots!

I have a place that I do find some peace. On my back patio I have a porch swing. Its got a canopy over it to shade me from the sun, so I can go there during the day and swing. The swinging motion is so soothing. If its unpleasant out, I can sit in my rocker and rock, but it doesn't have as much effect as swinging. Where we moved from I had a great porch swing, eight feel high with a beautiful wooden swing that I drove all over in search of. I could do some real swinging there. The one I have now is only 5 feet tall, but it does all right.

I really need to get moving. I'm on cat sitting duty as my daughter left for a road trip today and her critters need feeding. My anxiety is rough today. I so hate this disorder! All the coping techniques in the world don't diminish that fact!