Adaptation

I like to be in control. At least of things that concern me. When I was young I was cunning enough to get what I wanted or do what I wanted, even when it wasn't necessarily what I deserved. Perhaps its a survival thing. I recall being a very maudlin child. When I was unhappy I would mope and pout and be very unpleasant to be around. I held grudges for much longer than I should have, but if I felt I had been treated unfairly, that was my only recourse. I couldn't get angry and shout and demand justice because I was too shy and too much of a people pleaser. I remember a vacation to Colorado (I think) with my family. I was probably 10 or so. Something displeased me. We stopped to sight see or some such thing and I was bored and probably wanted to do something that no one else wanted, so I sulked and was miserable. Now I'm thinking it wasn't so much a control thing as an unadaptibility issue. Without the skills to express my desires or reasons for not wanting to do something, I resorted to withdrawing and being uncommunicative. It did not serve me well for most of my childhood, so as a teenager I began to adapt and learn other ways to get what I wanted without ever learning to come out and ask for it. If I was having trouble with a subject in school, rather than go to the teacher for help, I would cheat. I was quite good at it. It made me feel good about myself, that I had beaten the system, that I emerged triumphant. I didn't see it as anything wrong. So what if I didn't memorize formulas or learn to say "Which way to the library" in German. I was smart enough. I learned basic care and maintenance of my car from my father so that I'd never have to ask anyone to change my oil or replace a flat tire. I never wanted to be a bother, never wanted to have to depend on anyone for my basic needs because that would mean asking for help and that was not something I'd learned to do. In college it was the same. I learned more survival techniques. I majored in Industrial design which included making models of all our projects, so I learned to use all the shop equipment, the elements of building, power tools, finishing work. I got quite good at it after 4 years. I couldn't cheat in my design classes, so if a project was less than perfect or not quite on time, I learned to be cute and needy and ever-so sweet. It didn't hurt that the instructer was a man, and that he was there for the whole 4 years. Our class was small, maybe 8 of us, so we all got to know each other very well.

Right after college I got married. Let's just that was not the wisest thing I've ever done. I had never planned on getting married. It was not in the scheme of my life. I was going to move to California, have my own design business, and own lots of cats. I was a loner at heart. Or maybe I just wasn't very popular with guys and so my dating stats were way down. When I met the man I married, I was unskilled at adult relationships and so, was easy prey. He wooed me, convinced me we were meant to be together, and married me 3 months later. I didn't know how to stop it. I didn't know how to tell him what I wanted, and I didn't really know myself what that was. He was in the Navy, so we moved to Norfolk, Virginia, were married, and he left for duty in Maine. I used what skills I had and built us a bed and dresser. I figured this was the best of both worlds - being supported financially and still able to be on my own and do what I wanted. And I adopted 2 cats.

This is getting longer and more involved that I had planned. I'll continue later.