Really Trying

I'm giving it my best effort this week to get past this anxious phase and start living in the normal world again. I got up and showered before 8:30, I only allowed myself 25 minutes of computer time in bed after showering, I put on my makeup, had a glass of milk, and walked the dogs. As soon as I got home I went to work in the yard, edging and weeding the garden area around the air conditioner. Yesterday I worked off and on doing the same to the garden that surrounds the back patio. I haven't done any real physical labor in quite some time, and while I'm working the anxiety seems to take a back seat. When I finish and sit down to rest is when it starts back up again. Like now. I spent 45 minutes working outside, feeling pretty good, staying in the shade for the most part. The weather is cool and breezy, birds singing, all that. I got the job done, plus another little area that was in the sun. It looks nice. But now, here I sit, feeling those old feelings, not motivated to do anything. I made a list last night so that I would keep busy. Not hard stuff for the most part, but chores that need to be done. I don't have it in me to even look at the list, let alone do anything on it. Maybe, if I relax for a bit, the motivation will return.

It doesn't help that I'm going to be alone all day. On weekends I'm seldom alone. My husband comes home from his job that keeps him gone all week, so I have a body in the house. That is a comfort. Mondays my daughter babysits a half hour away, leaving at 8:30 and not returning until around 4. I have only one friend locally that I call. She has anxiety as well but is trying to be positive and I'm afraid when I call her constantly with my negative feelings, I'll bring her down.

I'm wearing a rubberband around my wrist, the idea being that when a negative or fearful thought pops into my head, I am to snap that rubberband and shout "stop" in my head and redirect my thoughts to a positives.

So see, I am trying. Yet still, even the smallest chore on my list seems insurmountable right now. Still in hell, but damn my gardens are looking great!