Feeling bad again

I haven't posted in quite some time. I wish it was because I felt so good that I was out living my life, but such is not the case. I had some good days, yes, but they were all tinged with anxiety. I'm now in a very bad place again. Last week I got a urniary tract infection - a real one this time, not like the false alarm for which I was prescribed cipro. I knew I had it, had all the symptoms. So I was prescribed amoxicillin. I took it faithfully. I called out of work the first day because my anxiety was so high that I was pretty much immobilized. It got worse from there. I stopped taking it at 6 and a half days because I felt much like I did after the cipro. My arms and legs ache and are weak, my anxiety is out of this world, my face is numb, and my stomach is in knots. Today is the second day I've been off it. I had hopes that I would feel somewhat better, but I don't. I woke up feeling like I couldn't breathe properly, near panic. I have to work today and am dreading it. I haven't gotten in the shower yet because I'm afraid to be wet and naked. Just typing this, my arms are weak and sore. God, how can this happen again?

Also, and update on the pet situation. My little dog Mini had to be put to sleep the week before Thanksgiving in 2009. She got diabetes somehow and went down hill in about 5 days. By the fifth day she could barely walk so we had her put down. Then in February my cat Pickle got to the point where I felt she needed to be put to sleep. She spent hours trying to go to the bathroom on my bed, pushing out bits of bloody urine. It was hard having her put to sleep. I really miss her. I sometimes still think she's going to climb up on me at night. She was a wonderful cat.

Guess I'd better get my butt out of bed and brave the shower. If there is a god out there, would you mind making my life less hellish?

Don't know what to do

I'm just sitting in my rocker, trying to find something to occupy my time on the computer. I have no motivation to move from here. I'm in a bad way right now - the Cipro I took is still damaging my body - my face still tingles and feels numb as does my neck, I have no energy, my back hurts, my joints ache, lets feel weak, anxiety is overwhelming. I have no appetite, no desire to do anything. I want so badly to feel normal, to have the desire to do ... anything. I'm afraid to do much as I don't want to stir up the pain or anxiety or fatigue. I just feel like crap mentally and physically. How long is this going to last? Will it ever get better? Will the poison continue to wreck havoc with my body forever or will it eventally stop and I will heal? And will I be able to wait it out? I would cry but don't have the energy for it. Hell.

Well crap

Crap, crap, crap. Things just don't get any better. Ever. I thought today was going to be the day I found out about the compression fracture in my spine - I had an MRI. Turns out MRI's don't show bones, only soft tissue, things filled with water. So why the hell did I have one? All I wanted to know was how old was the fracture, how bad was the fracture, would it be causing the pain in my right side, and what do I do about it? That's all! That's what kept me from jumping out of that MRI machine and running for my car for 2 hours - at last I would have the answers to my questions!!! The results came back and it shows I have a "protrusion" between 2 lumbar vertebra. Big deal. I've had that for 10 years. And that was all it showed. When the nurse called to give me the results, I asked if it showed the fracture. She said the report didn't mention it. How is that possible, says I. Uh, all I can tell you is that you have a protrusion and the doctor wants you to see an orthopedist. Well fuck that! (I've been trying not to use foul language in my blogs, but I'm really past fed up with this shit!) So where do I go from here? She wants me to see an orthopedist. She wanted me to see a neurologist for the cipro-induced facial numbness and vision distortion. She wants to pretend that a lumbar protrusion will cause pain way above the lumbar region. She is an ass and I need to stop seeing her.

I'm so depressed. I'm beyond depressed. I'm defeated. Yesterday my face and vision seemed better. Today they're as bad as ever. Yesterday my back hurt so bad I could barely finish my 4 hours at work. Today its less painful. I have no appetite. I eat almost nothing. I force myself to drink water, but I've even lost interest in staying hydrated. I'm sick of seeing doctors. I'm sick of inconclusive tests. I'm sick of my face feeling like I've had a stroke. I'm sick of anxiety. I'm sick of pain. I'm sick of living this way. But what the fuck to I do about it? It seems I've given it my best shot. I've done what everyone has told me to do, I've trusted modern medicine to make my life better, and its shit all over me. Friday I see the accupuncturist. I'm almost afraid to go because she seems my last hope. What if it doesn't do anything? What if my face remains as it is now? What if the anxiety is the same or worse? What if my pain doesn't change? I don't expect all of it to be cured by one accupuncture session - I just want some change for the better in any of the above areas. But if none are, or if, as karma seems bent on doing, it makes things worse, then where am I? I can't end my life, that's a given. I have neither the courage, the skill, nor the cold-heartedness to ruin my children's lives that way. But to die seems to be the only way out of all the suffering. I'm not strong. I'm not brave. I don't want to fight any more. I just want to be better in some way - any way. All right, in the face. That is the worst of it. The tingling/numb sensation is what keeps me down the most. That's what I want gone.

I'm sick of hell. I want to leave it. I want to live in light and beauty and peace. Fuck hell.

I'll Give You Something to Cry About!

Remember when you were a kid and spent the day whining about this and that until your mom finally turned to you and said, "If you don't be quiet I'll give you something to cry about!"? Well, I think Mother Earth or God or Karma has finally had enough of me whining about the invisible anxiety and has decided to give me something "real" to cry about! Because god knows, living with anxiety doesn't make ones life miserable enough. There is no true malady, no tangible evidence of disfunction, no outward signs of distress, so what is there to moan about? Well now I have something to cry about - not as apparent as say leprosy or gangrene - but a "real" problem. I have a compression fracture in my spine. Yes, I'm getting old. And yes, it hurts. Fate couldn't wait until my cipro toxicity symptoms cleared, or my renewed agoraphobia subsided; no, it had to keep piling it on. Heaven forbid I should have one thing to worry about at a time! I've known about it for about a week but figured it didn't hurt bad enough to worry about. Until yesterday when I overdid it. Perhaps carrying 20 pound bags of groceries was a bad idea. Now my side and back hurts pretty much constantly. I read about treatment for this particular injury and it says no lifting, bending or twisting, and often a back brace. How does one go through one's day without bending or twising? And if one buys groceries and no one is home, how does one get them into the house? I've seen so many doctors lately I could paper my bedroom walls with invoices. And yet it appears I need to see more, get their learned opinions on what I need to do for this newest malady. One suggests that the pain I have in my side may not be related to the fracture, so suggests a CT scan. Another feels further studies of the spine are in order, in the form of an MRI. At the insistance of my primary care doctor who screwed up and gave me the cipro, I was sent to a neurologist about the ever present face tingling and sight problem, who suggested an MRI of my head! His reasoning, "What if the sensations just coincidentally showed up when you took the cipro and its actually something else?" WTF! Its NOT! He's never heard of this reaction to cipro. He's obviously never googled it! So no head MRI for me.

All I want is to go back to plain old anxiety disorder. I'll even take the agoraphobia. I know how to deal with that. I want my face to feel normal, I want my eyes to function properly, I want to be able to bend or twist or pick up a gallon of milk, and I want to never see another doctor or have another test as long as I live! So who does one talk to about this? I spoke to God the other day and suggested He help me, but of course got no response. I've been sending out positive vibes into the universe but with no luck. What does one have to do to get a little positive energy into their lives?

Hell. It is apparently where I am destined to remain for the rest of my days. My only hope is that when I leave this planet there will be peace. Oh yes, I need to add depression to my list.

Sigh

I do that a lot. Yesterday for the first time in the 18 days since I took the cipro, my face didn't tingle and my eyes weren't messed up. Today they're both as bad as they were in the beginning. I don't know what to think now. And I'm so distraught and depressed. Even with my lack of symptoms yesterday, the anxiety was still extraordinary. I wanted to climb out of my skin. While the anxiety was less today, the other symptoms were overwhelming. I can't seem to wake up out of this nightmare. As I sit here, my cheeks and chin ache from the numbness and tingling, and my right eye hurts and feels somehow heavy. I don't know what it is I'm afraid of - that its going to get worse? That its going to stay the same? That its going to come and go for the rest of my life? Its so damned annoying having this constant feeling, this constant source of worry and anxiety and FEAR! God, I'm so tired of being afraid.

Sigh.

Another Day

Yeah, its another day. Its an anxious one, but there isn't a reason for it. I had a bit of good news yesterday - well good news/bad news/interesting news. I've been struggling with the tingly face, blurred vision from what I've come to learn is cipro toxicity, and all the research I've done seemed to suggest it was permanent. My sister, the doctor, has been trying to figure out how to reverse the effects once she was finally convinced it wasn't all in my head. Unable to come up with anything, she went with her last resort and called her "crazy" doctor friend who is a homeopath. She told him about the cipro and resulting effects of it. His first question to her was, does your sister have anxiety/panic disorder? She was taken aback and said yes. He went on to tell her that there is an impaired enzyme in many anxiety sufferers that keeps them from metabolizing about 56 percent of all drugs and given my drug intolerance history, he believed I was one of them. He also said he had seen and treated a number of cipro toxicity cases, all with positive results, and he does it with natural things. He's supposed to call me this afternoon to talk with me about it. He also told my sister that he'd like to start seeing me for my anxiety, that he's had good results with that as well! I'm skeptical, but will give it a shot. Bad thing is, he doesn't take any insurance so it will be all out of pocket. Oh well.

I was talking with my mom yesterday about this new doctor and she started remembering back to my first bad drug reaction. I was prescribed compezine for an ucky tummy in college. Shortly after I started taking it I began to have severe anxiety and paranoia. I'd climb the stairs to one of my classes and feel like I was going to die. My skin was always crawling. But I kept taking the pills, not putting two and two together. I also started seeing the school psychologist because I thought I was going crazy. After a few sessions, she surmised that it must be a parent issue and asked my mom and dad to come up (an hour drive) for a session. As we all sat there talking, I noticed that I couldn't stop smiling and looking up. My mother, having been a psychiatric nurse for many years, immediately recognized it as a reaction to the compezine - she'd seen it a lot in mental hospitals. So they rushed me to the campus ER and gave me benedryl IV and I was all better. No more compezine. I shudder to think what would have happened if circumstances hadn't been what they were! If my mother hadn't been there at that exact moment, would I be a drooling idiot today?

And then there was my journey through ssri's. Ah, anti-depressants! It still doesn't make sense to me to prescribe an anti-depressant for anxiety. The first one, prozac, worked okay for a few weeks. I didn't feel great on it, kind of like a zombie, but the anxiety seemed less. Until my body built up enough of it to become toxic! Then it was wave after wave of panic for days on end. No more prozac. My sister figured it was all in my mind. I wondered myself.

Next was Zoloft. Immediately after taking it I became so aggitated that I couldn't sit down. At the time my sister chalked it up to my mind again, but a few years later she tried it and had the same reaction. She believed me on that one.

A few years later I tried Celexa. I don't know if the other two had already wrecked my P-450 enzyme, but after 3 days on it I was suicidal. All I could do was sit in bed and rock, begging for someone to put me out of my misery. After that, no more anti-depressants - ever!

I stopped taking anything at that point. Now I'm glad I did. Who knows what damage I could have done if I'd taken anything else! Again, shudder!!!

So anyway, now I know. I did some internet research and found a list of drugs I should never take, and also found out the 7 to 10 percent of the population have impaired P-450 enzymes! If one of us is given even .5mg of warfarin (for blood clots, drugs like coumadin), it could make all the blood in our body no longer coagulate!!! SHUDDER!!!!!!

And I'm anxious today. I feel like I'm suffering from post traumatic stress. The whole - oh my god I'm going to go blind and my face will go numb and I'll look like I've had a stroke and god only knows what else will happen to other parts of my body - that had me terrified. I still worry about the lasting effects of the damned drug. And now I also have the fear of ever having to take another drug, what will that do to me! Ugh. I'm tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I could barely get out of bed this morning, and when I did, I hurried through the shower and sat back in bed, rocking for almost half an hour. I had 3 things I wanted to accomplish today - 2 loads of laundry, clean the litter box, and mail a package (which consisted of walking to the mailbox at the end of the driveway). I have accomplished the mail and will soon finish the laundry. No litter yet, but the cats would really appreciate it. God, I hate being immobilized with irrational fear!

Its a gorgeous day out and here I sit, in my rocking chair, afraid to venture from home, locked in my own little hell. When will it end?

From Hell to Nightmare

Its been quite some time since I've written. Things were going pretty well for a short time. The anxiety, while still present, was running in the background and allowing me to live a semi-normal life. I'd still get waves of panic at a store now and again, but for the most part I was okay. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. I'd had a pain in my right side for 3 weeks and decided to see a doctor about it. She did a urine test which came back with trace blood and white cells - an indicator of a urinary tract infection. So she started me on Cipro, an antibiotic. My drug phobia made it hellish to take those pills, but everyone said "Its only an antibiotic, they don't hurt anyone." So I took them. It was a 3 day course. The first day was okay. The second day my anxiety was high and I was jittery. The 3rd day I started feeling flushed in my face and my vision became out of tune. I finished the medicine. An hour later I got a call from the doctor's office saying the urine came back negative for infection from the lab! I didn't even know they were sending it to a lab! I thought the test in the office was accurate or I would have waited for the results! So fine, I took a drug I didn't need to take. Problem is, 2 weeks later and I still have tingling and numbness in my face and distorted vision! I looked online and found a site with 7 pages of people who had lifelong debilitation from taking Cipro or Cipro-like drugs, one of which was the face and vision problems! Now I'm scared to death that this is how I'm going to be forever! I'm depressed beyond depression. If I could end my life today, I would do it. I am a walking nerve right now, have been for the last 2 weeks. I was so desparate for relief that I prayed for the first time in years - one of those sobbing, pleading prayers. If only there were a god to hear it. Who knew that hell had deeper, darker rooms than just the standard one.

On death and dying

I've been thinking about death a lot lately, even before Michael, Farrah, Ed and Billy. But the death of Michael Jackson has brought it more to the forefront. He and I are/were the same age, off by only a month and a half. I felt like we had a connection. I listened to his music most of my life, got my children hooked on him, empathized with his screwed up life, stood up for him during all the allegations, etc. I know I'm not alone in any of this. He was a well-loved man. I look at his life and I look at mine. He was a genius with talent far above that of anyone else. He made a difference in the lives of millions of people, and could have continued if he hadn't died. Me? I could die today and the world wouldn't miss a thing. I know, I sound like a drama queen, but I don't mean to. I'm in a bad place again and I don't see the point of living. I wake up anxious, my stomach is in constant turmoil, my marriage is shit, I'm too unattractive and unsocial to find anyone else at this point, I do nothing for society, and I'm miserable. I have no friends, few acquaintences, and I whine a hell of a lot (as you can see). I want so much more from life and yet I know I'll never have it. I don't want to spend the next 30 or 40 years struggling through the day. Sitting at work today I felt useless. I'm surrounded by nurses who are caring for patients, a doctor who is helping people feel better, and there I sit pinning nun costumes to sew when I get home, with a break now and then to sign a patient in or out. That is my contribution to society. A drug rep came and brought lunch today. He was gorgeous. I came in early so I could talk with him, find out what the drugs he promotes actually do. And look at him. I felt like I overdid my makeup, dressed inappropriately, asked stupid questions, was socially awkward. I want to be noticed, but I'm too unattractive to make it work.

My anxiety symptoms recently are stomach, feeling like I can't breathe, and feeling like I have heart problems. In the past, this would disturb me to the point of panic. Now I look at it as, if I die, I die. Hopefully it will be quick and painless. I don't plan on taking any steps to hasten my demise, at least not right now. Sometimes I do think about it. Anxiety disorder has robbed me of my life for 25 years or more. I don't know that I'm willing to give it much more.

Back in Hell

I had about a month and a half of relative normalcy. I was able to go about my life without too much fear. The anxiety was like a program running in the background. Some days it broke through, but it was managable. I went out at night, went to a concert, to an art show, ate out, enjoyed life. But it was short-lived. About a week ago it started creeping back in. Well, two weeks, really. That's when I stopped sleeping well. After a week of that, the symptoms kicked in. It began with feeling bloated all the time, and anxiety that centered around my stomach. It stayed pretty constantly. And the weather turned to hell as well. Literally. The heat and humidity feels like I'm standing in the doorway to hell. That triggers my anxiety. I muddled through those anxious days, hoping they would soon subside. But they got worse. Yesterday I could barely stand to stay at work. I wake up at night with anxious tummy that radiates to my chest and makes me fear I'm having heart trouble. This morning I have concluded that I am officially back into an anxiety phase, and that depresses the hell out of me. I don't want to get out of bed. My house needs cleaning. I haven't walked the dogs in over a week. I'm so tired from waking up all night. I think about how much better off I would be if I were dead. And last night driving home from work I visualized turning in front of oncoming traffic but rationalized that if I did that, they would hit the passenger side and would probably only injure me. I don't want injury, I want death. I would probably never do it, but the idea is liberating. This is not the life I want to live. It is sheer misery waking up only to face another day of living hell. There is no joy is my life. I used to at least have sleep to look forward to, but now even that is gone. Michael Jackson died yesterday. He was only a month and a half older than I am. I was jealous that he got to go. It should have been me.

Still here...

I took my last Ativan Thursday, March 5, 2009. I thought, what the hell, I can't feel any worse than I do taking it. I'd tapered down to .06mg or so, a tiny amount that was doing nothing for me. My anxiety was sky high and the dose was just perpetuating my suffering, so I stopped. I didn't feel quite as bad for the week following, and then had some days of pure joy! It began Friday, March 13th. I woke up with energy, cleaned my house from top to bottom, walked the dogs, felt marvelous. The weather matched my mood - sunny and warm. The weekend was good as well. No anxiety, motivation to do things I hadn't done in months, energy. On Monday I drove to Joann's Fabrics, out of my comfort zone, spent 2 hours looking around the store, waited in line, all without even a hint of anxiety. I felt so good I decided to take myself out to lunch at Panera's. I bought a magazine to read while I ate. I was in heaven. It was delightful!! I thought my life was finally turning around. Tuesday was great as well. Wednesday there was some anxiety, nothing bad, just a hint. By Thursday it had returned! My stomach churned constantly, I felt jittery. It has been steadily increasing. Yesterday it was unbearable. I felt like I'd consumed a gallon of coffee. Its so depressing waking up to face a day of anxiety that consumes the soul. I lay in bed until I have to get up. I don't sleep well. I'm a wreck. I belong to a benzodiazepine recovery forum and am told that this is common, that it is a withdrawal symptom and can go on and off like this for months. I'm not really up for months of anxiety. But I can't go back on a benzo because it will screw up the withdrawal process, make things worse. I found that out myself when, back in January I started feeling like this and upped my dose. I had no relief and felt so much worse. God I hate my life right now. I am miserable, useless, and feel like hell. I have to force myself to do anything productive. I want to scream, and I do shout obscenities throughout the day, but it doesn't make it go away. The good times are called windows at the benzo support site. I want another window. I need another window to preserve what sanity I have left.

Still in hell after a too short vacation.

Benzo withdrawal

Last night I took my last Ativan. It was only a small piece, maybe .06mg - its hard to tell when the pieces get so small. I'm stopping now because the withdrawal symptoms aren't easing up. The idea is that you taper off slowly and level out at a dose, then taper some more. I've been at a smaller dose for weeks and don't ever level out, so I figure I'll stop screwing with it and just get off. I'm so tense and anxious today that I can barely stand it. My stomach is so tight I'm nauseated. I've lost weight because I don't feel like eating. It is one of the most horrible things I've ever gone through. Its so scary because I know there is nothing I can do to alleviate the symptoms besides going on another benzo, from which I will again have to taper off of, is not an option. I can't do this any more. But I don't have a choice. God its awful.

One of the problems is that no one believes its withdrawal. They don't know how poisonous these drugs are, that there is no easy way to get off of them. No one understands the suffering I'm going through. I have no motivation to tidy up, do dishes, do laundry, walk the dogs. People think I'm just being a lazy slob. They don't realize that I would love to do all those things, but I can't do it. I can barely get out of bed in the morning let alone do anything productive. I'm trapped in hell. There is no escape from the torture my mind is making my body go through. It scares me to the bone. I fear what tomorrow will bring with no ativan tonight. Can it possibly be worse? If it is, god help me. I don't know if I can survive. I honestly don't.

Still in hell

I can't shake it this time. The anxiety has its filthy claws wrapped around me so tightly that I nearly never have a moment of peace. I now wake up with a tremor inside my chest and shoulders, not visible or palpable on the outside but perceivable on the inside. I have to jiggle my leg or pat my tummy to mask the feeling. My shoulders and chest are so tight all the time that they ache and feel weak. My every thought is about anxiety. I've been trying a mantra today: I am healthy, I am calm, I am relaxed, I am at peace. I'm trying deep breathing today. I am trying to consciously relax my body. But no relaxation takes away the jitteriness that surges through me. I don't leave the house unless its necessary. I went to the grocery yesterday as we were running out of essentials - milk, bread, eggs and such. It was all that I could do to stay in the store and gather up every item on my list. I took my coupons but didn't bother to check them. I didn't care if I spent 50 cents more for something, if it got me out faster, so much the better. I look around at my house and see all the things I've let go. I need to vacuum, I need to tidy up. I did do dishes yesterday but now need to empty the dishwasher. I spend most of my time sitting and either sewing or being on the computer at anxiety websites. Right now my shoulders are hurting me because of all the anxiety I'm holding there. I should leave the house again. I can not let the agoraphobia take over. But its such an effort to leave. And its cold out, so the shivering magnifies the jitters. I'm trapped in a world of fear. I don't trust my body to keep functioning. I'm afraid that the tension will finally overcome me and I'll just stop breathing or become so overwhelmed with anxiety that I'll... I don't even know what I'm afraid could happen. I want so badly to return to a normal state of being. I want to be motivated to clean my house, to shop, to walk the dogs. I want to enjoy my existence not dread every waking moment. I can't even cry for the loss of all that. I have no emotion left. I'm a living stone. I am in hell. I want out.

The evils of Ativan

If you can avoid it, do. I wish I had never started taking it. If you'll recall, in August 2008 during yet another anxiety phase (there are way too many), I finally gave in and begged for relief with a benzodiazepine. The doctor gave me Ativan - 3mg a day! That's a lot of Ativan. It would have been okay had it done what I had hoped - made me feel good. It did for a couple days, then all hell broke loose in my body. Suicidal depression, anxiety, etc. Anyway, I started to taper off it after 3 weeks. January 1 I got down to .125mg, a quarter of a pill. I planned to stay there only 2 weeks, but I had an increase in anxiety and stayed on it - am still on it. 3 weeks ago I started having constant anxiety, unlike my usual anxiety. Nothing helped, not breathing exercises, not distraction, nothing. And its been getting worse. Last night I was online at a benzo recovery site and learned I'm having tolerance withdrawal, where the body gets used to the lower dose and wants more and throws a hissy fit to get it! So that's where I am. I have constant anxiety and now I need to get off the rest of the ativan. Last night I took 1/8 of a pill, but I'm thinking of just stopping it all together. I just don't know what to do. This is horrible. I'm scared to death that I'll have weeks, possibly months, of unbearable anxiety until the ativan is out of my system. I thought I knew hell before. NOW I really know hell. Sucks sucks sucks!!!

New Year

Sigh. It seems like the first day of the new year should be filled with hope. Not so when you start it out with anxiety. I've been doing poorly for the past 4 days. It started with pulling the muscles in my back, which moved to my chest and neck, and with little or no sleep. Today is the worst anxiety-wise. I woke up around 9:30, laid in bed until 10:30. As I laid there, I could feel the anxiety rising. I slept in my daughter's bed last night (she was sleeping over at a friend's house) hoping the quiet and change of scenery would snap me out of my bad sleep pattern. It didn't work. I had chills for hours, then over-heated and had a small panic attack. After that I think I may have slept some, but did not wake up refreshed. And my muscles still ache. I have no motivation. None. I need to do laundry. I need to do dishes. I need to clean the litter box. My bathroom sink should be scrubbed. I don't even want to get in the shower this morning. I took half an ativan a few minutes ago, hoping that will calm me down. I'm so afraid I'm headed back to where I was only 3 months ago. It hasn't been long enough! Its not fair! And its been so long since I've taken half an ativan that now I'm worried about that. I've been taking 1/4 of one at bedtime, so its insane to think anything bad will happen, and all the time I took a whole one nothing bad ever happened. God, I'm doomed. My life is hell. I don't know how to make me better and make it stick. All it takes is an ache or a pain and I'm right back into it. This is so depressing. I am miserable. I don't want to move from my bed today. I am in hell.

Oh, the holidays

I've been doing pretty well lately. The anxiety has been manageable - until yesterday. I haven't been sleeping well, and that makes my anxiety increase. Yesterday I took down the tree and my It's A Wonderful Life village. The village was on top of my entertainment center. And to put it away, it was all reaching, stretching and rearranging over my head on the top shelf in my closet. I strained the muscles in my upper back. Now, for a normal person, they'd take a couple Tylenol and chalk the pain up as just that - muscular. Not me. I'm afraid to take Tylenol, and even though I know the pain is probably a result of over-doing, I can't help but think it is something more ominous, like blood clot or heart attack. Last night I barely slept at all. The pain was gnawing at me, and there was a wind storm that scared the little dog and she kept me up the rest of the time. Today my anxiety is sky high. I'm tired, I'm in pain, and I'm anxious. For the last 2 years, on December 28 I've ended up in the Emergency room for panic-related problems. I'm trying really hard to resist the urge to carry on the tradition. I want to be taken care of, to be reassured that I'm all right. They do a wonderful job of that in the ER. God, I hate feeling like this. I have to be strong and its so hard to do with little or no sleep.

Hell is but a sleepless night away.

Its been a while

I've been doing better than I was when I started this blog, but today is turning out to be a challenge. For one thing, its cold!!! Its only 21 degrees outside and the temp inside feels frigid. I haven't had real panic in months but this morning I'm feeling quite anxious. I'm not good with changes and there are a number of them going on. We sold our sofa which we've had for about 6 years, and our entertainment center, which we've had for 20. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to get rid of them, at least I think I did, but its still a big change. What if someone needs to spend the night here and we don't have a sofa for them to sleep on? What if I don't like the new entertainment center? Stupid concerns, but they're there none the less. This morning I cleared all the components and tv off the stand so the people can pick it up tonight. That made me anxious, I suppose because I haven't done anything physical in a while, but also just because things aren't where they're supposed to be. God I hate anxiety disorders!

I also made another cut on my Ativan - from three quarters of a pill down to two quarters. The last cut I made was the hardest, going from .5mg split into 4 daily doses, to .375mg, split into 3 daily doses. Now I'm at .25mg split into 2 daily doses. The theory is that one should never lower the dose more than 10 percent, but when you're at such a small dose its hard to take it slower than this. The pills themselves are no more than 3/16ths of an inch in diameter, so cutting them into quarters is like micro-surgery. I'm already feeling the palpitations that go with a cut, and of course the increase in anxiety. Being shivering cold increases both symptoms.

Then there are the holidays. I like Christmas, sort of. I mean, the music is good, I like giving people presents, it seems very nostalgic. But it also means change. There will be a disruptive tree in my living room for weeks, I will have to make sure I have enough presents for all the right people, it will get colder, and worst of all, the new year is looming just around the corner. It should be just another date, but it comes with so many expectations. There is looking back at the year passing, with all of its failures, frustrations and fuck-ups, and there is the intrepidation of another year, with its endless possibilities for suffering and loss and unknown problems. I don't see it as a clean slate, like I used to. I see it as another file folder in which to store another year's worth of misery. That's what anxiety disorders do. There may be good times, but you know they'll always be tempered with the idea that they will end with yet another panic attack or thoughts of terminal illness or days spent shaking and rocking and praying for relief. If only I could sustain the joy I feel when I'm not thinking anxious thoughts. I do get moments like that. Sometimes I forget about it completely and think like a normal human being. But it always returns. It is hell with intermissions.

It's Getting Better

I hesitate to admit it, but I'm feeling a whole lot better these days. I wake up in the morning and don't dread getting out of bed (now its the chill in the air that keeps me under the covers until I must get up). I eat breakfast, walk the dogs, do some chores, have the desire to keep my house clean again, and all without anxiety. I still have my moments, but they are much less severe and come less often, sometimes days. It's heavenly. I'm slowly tapering off the Ativan, cutting back a quarter of a pill every 5 days and am currently down to .75 mg.

So how did I get back to being a normal person? I don't know! That's how it works. I kept doing the things a "normal" person would do, going to work, shopping, paying bills, all with the anxiety, and then one day the fear and dread wasn't there. It's a fabulous feeling not being afraid of your own body and mind. The hell of it is that I'm never sure when it will come back. For now, I'll just enjoy every moment in remission. Today I have plans to clean my house from top to bottom (well, side to side). If both my girls are off today, perhaps we'll even indulge in lunch out, something we haven't done in months.

I feel like I'm standing on the outside of hell today, not wanting to glance back to see where I've been lest I am sucked back into the dark side. Happy days are here again!!!

And It gets worse

I now have constant anxiety, have to force myself to eat, which today included a glass of Ovaltine, 2 cheese sticks, 8 crackers, and water. I can't even describe what my stomach is doing. Its tight, its aggitated, it thinks we're about to bungie jump off a cliff. I tried a relaxation exercise, laid down for an hour, and shivered and twitched throughout the whole thing. It has to be the Ativan doing it. I want to drive to the emergency room right now and beg for something to calm me down. My blood pressure this afternoon was 160/100! My usual is 130/80. Tomorrow I see my doctor again. I'm going to ask for Valium. There is a method prescribed to be many that switches Ativan (or any benzo user) over to Valium slowly because it is easier (less withdrawl symptoms) to taper off of. And who knows, maybe I'll find I like the Valium and just stay on it. If it keeps me from feeling like this, I might just do it. I am so very very miserable right now. It's like I've been on a caffeine high for 2 days straight. At 6 a.m. I woke up with a near panic attack - heart rate 134, cold sweats. I'm not strong enough to do this. It's too hard. Haven't I been through enough already? There can not possibly be a God in heaven to let this continue on like this. I begged for help today and got nothing. I can't do this. I don't know how to continue in this state of terror. Yet there is no way out. I must simply experience the horror of it, knowing that there is nothing more I can do besides put myself out of my misery, but I can't do that without putting the rest of my family through worse misery for the rest of their lives. So I am trapped. I don't know where to go from here. The thought of suffering through another night is overwhelming. I'm considering driving over to the emergency room and sleeping in my car so I'm close by...just in case. Hell. Sheer, utter, hell. My blessing on anyone who has to deal with this.

Still Struggling

Why's it gotta be so hard? That's all I want to know. I've tapered down to 1.625mg (down from 2mg) of Ativan a day and I'm anxious as hell most of the time. Is it withdrawl, or is it just the anxiety? I don't know, but it sucks. Usually work will calm me down, but the anxiety lasted throughout the whole day. And night time is usually a better time for me, but tonight I'm, you guessed it, ANXIOUS. I have shortened my taper schedule to have me done by the first week of November. I just hope this works and I'm not too terribly anxious by the end. I must learn some new coping skills to handle this anxiety without drugs. Hell. Real, live, hell. Right now. And for who knows how much longer. I hate this!!!!

My thoughts of hope may have been premature

So...I had some good days, then my days started getting worse and worse. The depression, the lack of motivation, the exhaustion, weakness. It appears that the Ativan is not working and is, in fact, making me worse. So now, after 4 weeks on this drug, my body is dependent and I am having to go through withdrawl. Ativan is a nasty drug. It is one of the strongest benzodiazapines - for example, half a mg of Ativan is the same as 10 mg of valium! It has to be tapered off of very very slowly. The recommended method is to add valium to the mix. For me, my schedule of tapering should be (now that I've tapered myself to 2mg per day down from 3mg in a very short time):
Weeks 1 & 2: Morning - .5mg Ativan, midday - .5mg Ativan, betime - .5mg Ativan + 5 mg Valium
Weeks 3 & 4: Morning - 5mg Valium, stop Ativan, midday - .5mg Ativan, bedtime - .5mg Ativan + 5mg Valium
Weeks 5 & 6: Morning - 10mg Valium, midday - stop Ativan, bedtime - .5mg Ativan + 5mg Valium
Weeks 7 & 8: Morning - 10mg Valium, bedtime - 10mg Valium, stop Ativan
So that would get me off Ativan but onto Valium! All I want to do is be drug free and I don't want to go through 8 more weeks to get there! But I also don't want to suffer the agony of withdrawing too quickly or not the right way. I cry all the time, I have delusions of non-existance, all I can think about is the damned pill and how to get off of it. How ironic, the drug phobic is now dependent on a drug and forced to detox from it! I'm so very depressed. I may not have the patience to do it the long way. I have gotten to the point where I barely eat anything because I have no apetite, I don't leave the house much because of the agoraphobia, I couldn't even shower this morning - I just washed off in the sink and shampooed my hair in the kitchen sink. I don't know what I'm going to do for work this week. If I can't leave the house, how will I go to work? God, I just feel like I've gone so far downhill that I may not be able to make it back up again. I was watching a show on PBS - a violinist playing in Vienne. I couldn't help crying from thinking about all that I've lost. I used to play the violin in the church choir, I used to teach it, play in an orchestra. Now I'm too afraid to do any of those things. I will never travel overseas. I may never travel out of state. I feel like my life is over. What is the point? I have so many periods during the day where I lose hope completely. My life is in the very deepest realm of hell. The way out seems so far off I don't know that I can make it.